Sex Is Not Like Pizza: Healing Sexual Trauma

There is a joke attributed to Yankees coach Yogi Berra that goes: "Sex is like pizza. When it’s good, it's really good. And when it’s bad, it’s s ill pretty good.” Unfortunately, sex is not really like pizza, as many men who have had negative sexual experiences can testify. t ! Bad sexual experiences can linger in our libidos, returning at moments of intimacy years later. Consensual sex sometimes ends up being hurtful, but coercive sex almost always does. Over the last few years there has been an enormous increase in the reporting of sexual abuse, sexual harassment, and sexual assault. Our willingness to address these formerly taboo subjects is an extremely important societal advance. Understandably, the shocking (and not uncontested) statistics about the prevalence of these social ills have resulted in an ever-greater desire to define exactly what consensual sex is. Although most of the media attention has focused on the sexual abuse of women, men can also be victims of exploitative sex. And both women and men can experience consensual sex that goes bad. Consent (or the lack of it) is sometimes clear and sometimes not, since sexual partners are almost never totally equal in age, strength, experience, power, and so on. In communicating sexual interest, it is best to be as explicit as possible, rather than relying on silent signals. Fortunately, as women have discovered that they are sexual beings as much as men are, we are abandoning the confusing and dangerous mixed messages of earlier generations. “No” can finally mean No! and “Yes” can finally mean Yes.If you have experienced coercive sex or consensual sex that went bad, you may be left with sexual scars that can cause sexual or emotional problems. If this is the case, you will probably want to seek professional therapy or sex counseling. However, there are also some things you can do on your own to help you stay focused on the pleasure of the present rather than the pain of the past. Staying present and in your body is a challenge for anyone who has experienced sexual trauma. Paying close attention to the sensations in your body, both positive and negative, is far better than allowing your thoughts to wander or to “rise above” your body, causing you to become an observer instead of a participant. The Belly Breathing and the Century Count exercises described in chapter 3 will help you improve your concentration and your ability to stay focused. Sound, whether in the form of mantras or moans, can also clear your mind of distracting thoughts. Positive reinforcement will also help you stay present. Remind yourself as often as necessary of where you are, whom you are with, and how good it feels. When old feelings arise, it is generally best to stop what you are doing and share with your partner the feelings that are coming up.