ORGASMIC FINGERPRINTING

Many women are much more easily orgasmic during intercourse if they, or their partners, also stimulate their clitoris. Men usually can orgasm much more quickly than women during intercourse (two or three minutes versus twenty), but women seem to be able to orgasm just as quickly as men when they masturbate – presumably because they are directly stimulating their clitoris and because they know what they like. One multi-orgasmic man recounted his experience of stroking his partner's clitoris while making love: “When I’m behind or she’s on top, my hands are free to play with her clitoris. It really drives her wild. She starts moaning so loud that once we had to stop and close the windows.” Some men and women may complain that using hands to stimulate your partner’s clitoris during intercourse is unnatural or overly mechanical. As one multi-orgasmic man remembered, “For a long time I thought it was a sign of weakness for a man to have to use his fingers. But I’ve found that there are some times when a woman really enjoys or would even rather have your fingers or tongue, because it is a whole different feeling.” Surely this kind of stimulation cannot be considered unnatural or a sign of a man’s weakness if almost three-quarters of all women require it to be sexually satisfied. Men who are not used to using their hands when they have intercourse may find that they need a little time to coordinate their strokes and their thrusts. With practice, this coordination becomes increasingly easy, especially if you slow your thrusting down and allow your partner (and yourself) to savor every thrust and every stroke. You need to be careful not to become overly focused on your partner’s clitoris and lose the connection of lovemaking. Also be careful not to lose track of what your hand is doing, or your partner may start to feel like it is becoming mechanical. If you can walk and chew gum at the same time; you should be able to simultaneously thrust and stroke. If your partner is willing to touch herself, all the better. One man told his girlfriend that because she was involved in bringing herself to orgasm, he felt like she was using him to “masturbate.” This reaction might be understandable if a man feels that it is his responsibility (and his right) to "give” his partner orgasms. This mind-set no doubt underlies women’s faking orgasm to please their partners or to show their partners they have been pleased. Since, as we explained orgasm takes place primarily in the brain, you cannot “give" your partner an orgasm. She must experience it in her own mind (and body). As more and more women have discovered their ability to orgasm once or multiple times, men have felt increasing pressure to satisfy this ever higher orgasmic potential. Men’s desire to satisfy women is noble and necessary, but the accompanying pressure is not and can increase already too common feelings of performance anxiety among men. You will have a more realistic approach, and feel much less pressure, if you realize that you are simply helping your partner reach her own orgasmic potential.Clitoral, vaginal, and blended orgasms are just three categories that sexologists use to describe genital orgasms in women. Sexologists also make distinctions between brief, discrete orgasms and longer, con inuous orgasms (see figure 19). Some women have discrete orgasms, others have continuous orgasms, and still others have a combination. Hartman, Fithian, and coauthor Berry Campbell suggest that each woman’s pattern of orgasm is so individual that it should be called an “orgasmic fingerprint." As Lonnie Barbach has pointed out, physiology as well as personal and cultural expectations influence how your partner (and you) experience orgasm, which is probably one of the reasons people tend to have a "standard” orgasmic pattern. Some women have one powerful orgasm, some have one gentle orgasm, and some have one continuous orgasm. Women who are multi-orgasmic can have any combination of the above. It is important to remember that your partner’s orgasm (like your own) will be somewhat different each time. t i According to Sexual Kung Fu, women can also direct their energy out of their pelvis and up to their brain, and expand their orgasms throughout their entire body. This circulation of ch will energize your partner just as it energizes you. Women in general are less genitally focused than men and, as a result, have an easier time experiencing and expanding their orgasms throughout their bodies. Perhaps as a result of this diffusion, many women are genitally “preorgasmic” (that is, have never had a genital orgasm). In a later chapter we offer techniques for preorgasmic women to become orgasmic as well as techniques for orgasmic women to become multi-orgasmic. It will be much easier for you to become a multi-orgasmic man if your partner enjoys long periods of lovemaking. More couples suffer from the man's not being able to last long enough than from the woman's growing tired before the man. However, the latter can he the case if you become multi-orgasmic and she does not. Although it is important not to pressure her and to accept her desires for more or less pleasure, you should encourage her to explore her potential through the chapter written for her. We also offer suggestions for couples for whom there is a serious imbalance in sexual appetite. Most women, however, will want to help their partners become multi-orgasmic, and the most important thing your partner can do to help is to explore her own pleasure and cultivate her own sexual satisfaction