Know Your Partner

"Among the skills possessed by men, a knowledge of women is indispensable,” explains Discourse on the Highest Tao Under Heaven. “When one does have a woman, only the skillful are equal to the task.” The union of man and woman has been the foundation of Sexual Kung Fu, for through this primal bond, it was believed, infinite pleasure and priceless health could be attained. With this incentive, the Taoists refined lovemaking into a high art of intimacy and ecstasy. A harmonious love life was considered essential to conjugal happiness, and newlyweds were given “pillow hooks” that graphically demonstrated how they could achieve this bliss. We wou1d never think of 1earning to cook without some guidance or a cookbook or two, but in lovemaking, which is certainly as complex as cooking, Western men and women are forced to discover for themselves the mysterious world of sex with only a few hopelessly romanticized images from the movies and television to guide them. Hollywood sex is not good sex; it is just fast sex. The passionate, urgent embrace portrayed in most films in which the woman is instantly lubricated and immediately satisfied by a few minutes of coital writhing would he laughable if it did not leave so many viewers are trying to imitate this unrealistic model of lovemaking. It is worth remembering that the director’s imperative of keeping the plot moving, and the public’s intolerance for watching the body in pleasure, make it impossible to explore on-screen the subtle nuances of lovemaking. Candace Bergen described her formula for cinematic orgasm' in Esquire magazine: “Ten seconds of heavy breathing, roll your head from side to side, simulate a slight asthma attack, and die a little." So much for foreplay. Porn films, in which the “plot” is generally just celluloid glue between the sex scenes, should offer the opportunity to learn a richer sexual repertoire. However, the frantic, nonstop thrusting in most pornography is timed more to the masturbatory stroke of a man's hand than to the subtle and profound sensations of real flesh-and-blood lovemaking. It is no wonder that Western men, weaned on movies, television and porn, ejaculate so quickly. Almost 80 percent of the men Kinsey studied ejaculated less than two minutes after entering their partner. Both men and women may lose out in this rapid-fire coitus. Hartman and Fithian speculate that this quick intercourse does not allow enough time for the natural chemicals that accompany touch and sexual arousal to be released into the bloodstream, short-circuiting the general sense of well-being that usually accompanies lovemaking. The Taoists would say that in such hasty sex the man and woman are not able to exchange sexual energy and to harmonize with one another, and may even drain each other of energy. This does not mean that quickies are not sometimes just what the doctor ordered, especially if you and your partner have a practice of ecstatic lovemaking that allows you to harmonize and satisfy each other quickly. Almost a quarter century after Kinsey published his findings – in the wake of the sexual revolution and women’s liberation – Morton Hunt found in a follow-up study that men were lasting ten minutes instead of two. Though still rather short by Taoist standards, this increase is a 400 percent improvement nonetheless. Although men are generally portrayed as insensitive lovers, guided in bed exclusively by their own self-interest, clearly a major motivation for men learning to last longer in bed in recent years has g been their desire to pleasure their partners, who were beginning to discover that they could be orgasmic or even multi-orgasmic. In interviews with four thousand men, Anthony Pietropinto found that a surprising 80 percent judged their own sexual satisfaction by whether they had been able to give their partner one or more orgasms. Once you are multi-orgasmic, you will be able to satisfy your partner no matter how long she takes to orgasm. In learning to satisfy your partner, however, the first thing you must do is remove your ego. You are not “giving” her an orgasm. You are not trying to he the best lover she has ever had. Too many men get caught up with sexual performance. If you are able to replace performance with pleasure – hers and yours – you will be able to satisfy even the lustiest of lovers. Remember, the best lovers are men who are completely relaxed and aware of what is going on in both their own and their partner's bodies. You began learning how to understand what happens in your body, and in this chapter you will learn how to recognize what is happening in your lovers. There is one last point worth keeping in mind. It is much easier to practice Sexual Kung Fu with a regular partner with whom you have a deep emotional as well as physical bond. In their study of multi-orgasmic men, Dunn and Trost found that it was much easier for men to become multi-orgasmic with a familiar partner with whom there was emotional closeness and the opportunity for leisurely sex. Each man they interviewed mentioned that the goal was not to have multiple orgasms but to have pleasurable and satisfying lovemaking. Multiple orgasms are just one of the many treasures you will discover along the path to intimate and ever more ecstatic lovemaking,