GETTING AN ERECTION

Perhaps because our model of male sexuality is based on the experiences of eighteen-year-old men, who tend to get hard quickly and frequently, we think in terms of having a hard-on or not, of being fully erect or not. In reality, there are a number of stages of erection and a number of changes that our penises undergo in becoming erect. As we mentioned, the Taoists noticed that there are actually four stages of erection, or four attainments, as they called them: firmness (also referred to as lengthening), swelling, hardness, and heat. A common reason for erection trouble is mechanical – not getting enough stimulation of your genitals. Most men need their penises directly touched, rubbed, or massaged to get hard, and this need increases as men get older. Since women often prefer to have their genitals approached slowly and in ever-smaller circles of touch, they think that men do too. Most men, however, prefer quick and direct stimulation. (Don’t forget, this is how most men learn to masturbate.) Your partner should take a very active role in directly stimulating your genitals with her hands and mouth. Tell your partner what you need and how it feels. You should also be willing to use your hands to help yourself get or keep an erection. Some men, however, find that too much focus on them and their genitals results in pressure to get an erection. It may help for you and your partner to recognize that soft penises have as many nerve endings as hard penises and can be extremely pleasurable. Certain kinds of touch, especially of the testicles, can be highly pleasurable without leading to an erection. Let your partner know that she can pleasure you even if you don’t get hard right away. If you find that focusing on your genitals only makes you more anxious, switch the focus to your partner, which was Su Nü’s second suggestion. Taking a detour from the man’s erection and simultaneously focusing on the woman’s pleasure can often be very arousing to the man.