School for Fantasy W hen you are making love, reason flies out the
window. When you step out of the mood and think
of anything—tallying your expense account, making
lunch, even just opening the window or grabbing a
pillow—you feel like you are coming up short, simply
because you are thinking. Sex is the realm of dreams and
magic beyond time, beyond thought. The only exception
is when you don’t give a damn and go through the
motions, but I don’t want to make you sad by recounting
what women tell me about that.
I know this is hormonal in causation. A professor of
physics at a major university told me that during
pregnancy, her mind for higher math shut down complete-
ly. After the birth, it lifted. When I haven’t seen my honey
for a day and I hop into his car and sense we’re going to
play, I feel as though all the skin of my body is smoking dry
ice. We have things to share, we converse, and sometimes,
when I especially want to relay something, being a semi-
conscious tease, he runs his hand up my thigh. I stop mid-
sentence as glorious desire drags me into itself.This is where the advice books that give you sequential
moves are off base. It is much more successful to prepare
your mental attitude. Close your eyes and picture your
boyfriend, lover, or husband as though he were right next
to you. Read the sentence that follows aloud, and then say
it with your eyes closed, in his voice, so you hear it: “I
want to make love to you.” Now close your eyes and say
this other statement in his voice: “Baby, I love you so
much, give me head.”
Notice how gentlemanly the first was and how animal
the second. The man whose fantasies wander to oral sex
shuts down his reason as I do when the man in my life
caresses my thigh. We don’t associate oral sex with love
but with sex because it is “purely sexual.” Nevertheless, it
acts on your love life. If you are new partners, he wants
more of you when you fellate him. If you are newly
married, you assure him that you aren’t going to settle
down into a humdrum routine of sex when you fellate him.
You yield to his fantasies when you give him head.
That keeps him interested and he wants more, whatever
the stage of the relationship. Men say it’s more pleasing
than normal intercourse—though they want the
repertoire. Go figure. Fellatio even has no biological
function. Maybe that’s why!
Now close your eyes and answer him. You might say,
“Baby, I love you too, and I’m going to suck your cock as
nobody else ever did or could.” Then pinch your nipples
ultimate guide to oral sex
140and feel the heat rise between your legs. You are on your
way to performing the art of fellatio.
I hope you are wet and excited from casting your
thoughts toward his cock. Your second exercise is fantasy
and masturbation. Kneel by a bed or couch and move
your three fingers around the clitoris, stretching the skin
and imagining it swelling plump and hard. I suggest you
wear boxers or underwear for this, because you do not
orgasm until way after you are ready to do so. Instead,
when the desire to do so becomes irresistible, slow down
and lighten the pressure. Cock your head back and fanta-
size he (or an anonymous dazzling male body) is before
you, thrusting and out of his mind for you. Receive his
shaft into your mouth; shake it around and lengthen the
touch you use to stimulate yourself. The contractions you
begin to feel are his contractions as he ejaculates into
your mobile mouth.
If you stop midway when you masturbate and screen
giving oral sex as you rev up to climax, you will pass out
of the prose of “doing it because he expects it” into the
erotic zone of pleasure, which nobody can fake.
Eventually you’ll adore bringing his penis to heaven with
your mouth and hands. You’ll adore knowing his body in
a way he doesn’t know it himself. You’ll teach him to rub
you this way or that with his leg, or massage circles on
your hand—so as he comes in your mouth, you meet him
with your own orgasm.
school for fantasy
14135
Putting on a Show for
Your Very Visual Guy I n a man’s desert island fantasies, the marooned chick or
native girl doesn’t wear Ralph Lauren. There’s got to be
that wanton touch to quicken the appeal. Dress, comport-
ment, and body posture are in disarray during explosive
sex because that’s essentially what a man wants to see.
The teddy fallen off one shoulder, leaving a breast
exposed, cranks up his libido. Same with a lock of female
hair caught in his armpit! Once the encounter is
engaged, squelch all impulses to be tidy and appear
unruffled. Men surrender to us in sex: their sexual equip-
ment is vulnerable and they’re about to relinquish sperm.
The rules of the game say we have to give up some of that
power we gain.
You put on a physical/technical show that shows off
your best points—don’t pretend you forgot! It also shows
you are insatiable. This gives him the message that the
next time will be even better.k Show outside what you feel inside—wave after wave
building up to crash onto the beach and explode into
consciousness. Feel that stairway to heaven you take
him up. Sense your own body primed with excitement.
Acknowledge your confidence and pride, even
triumph. You can have an orgasm when fellating only
if you lose your fear of showing frenzy. Feel that under-
current of frustration that is appropriate as you give the
gift. Let it taunt and excite you, and show him. This
may mean thrashing all over or rubbing your vulva
against his leg or even bucking and having a hard time
keeping his dick in your mouth because you’re over the
top. Whatever the stimulation, shout it out with your
body! It’s not seeing a naked woman that stimulates
and melts him, it’s seeing you.
k Outside, show the dèsordrement des sens, the disorder-
ing of the senses. It’s natural to show a man with
panting, coos, moans, and the occasional word that
you are “into it.” To do this as you give head, when
your mouth is so busy, takes creativity; and your
aroused body inspires the man to please you more.
(Somewhere in that selfish male brain, he too thinks
that to give is greater than to receive.)
k Your moves (some will come naturally, some take a bit
of practice) are as follows:
ultimate guide to oral sex
1441. Squirm. Pretend you are a belly dancer and wriggle
your midsection and hips.
2. Roll your head and/or eyes, like a drunk or a faint-
ing person.
3. Shift your orientation to the penis as if you cannot
resist getting a different angle on it, visually and
physically. This means planting your arms, hands,
and feet any place around his body without plop-
ping smack on his legs or abdomen.
4. Cock up your buttocks provocatively. Do this with
a pelvic movement that is slow and graceful, and
then other times jerky.
5. Lie to one side of him, guiding his penis into your
mouth with your left hand (you won’t be able to get
it in far, but some men like the sensation of a slight
bend). Do expressive lifts with your leg that’s on
top. Let your toes show how happy they are to be in
bed with him!
6. Mimic his thrusts with your entire body. Lie on top,
your legs touching and between his legs. Place your
hands flat to either side of his groin. Holding him
in your mouth with your tongue as a kind of anchor,
rock backwards almost to your calves, and forward
until your arms angle ninety degrees to the bed or
ground. Rocking forward suggests his thrust into
your vagina.
putting on a show for your very visual guy
1457. Rub the penis between your breasts. Some breasts
the penis can bury in, others have nipples that can
peer up at him, still others can nuzzle him. The
point is that all of our different breasts put on a sell-
out show.
He is fascinated as he watches, and it translates to
how special he feels about this encounter—a magical
continuum of trust, love, and wanton sex. Even if he
appears not to focus as he enjoys what you are perform-
ing on him, he sees!
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14636
Awaken His Sex Drive
to the Fullest I f you like to give great blow jobs, I know you have a
generous spirit and care a great deal about the well-
being of the man you love. Also, you like to exert your
womanly power. As you learn more about his body and
his sex urges, you’re going to expand your beneficence to
the point of magic. Here we’re experimenting not with
mere G-spots, but probing, telltale points of his sexual
system even deeper, which relate to the functioning of
his whole being. Just prolonging the delicious heights of
passion can be new.
Doing something that’s beyond intuitive for your
man is like fitting a hand in a glove. See how truly amaz-
ing it is when you bring in yet another part of the
orchestra of your talents to the sexual encounter—one
that is virtually new to him—no matter if he’s had a lot
of sexual experience or not.You can study the scientific underpinnings of the
reflex points related to the penis and testicles in the
health science of reflexology. I have developed my own
constellation of star points by relying on a classic book,
Body Reflexology, by Mildred Carter and Tammy Weber,
who are revered practitioners. Either when you massage
your partner as part of your gift or during the act, relate
very simply to his body reflexes to stimulate his sexual
activity—and increase his pleasure in the moment. In
intercourse we leave little space overall to explore our
lover here and there, whereas during a blow job you can
position your hands to touch and massage these spots
easily. Additionally, perhaps there is a certain attitude
implicit in this sexual experience which lends itself to
introducing a bit of therapy.
Try them out by working them into your lovemaking.
Note that the names are just my operational nicknames
for real reflex points of the male endocrine system, which
you can study in texts like Body Reflexology.
1. Bottom Button: Press on the sex reflex point about
a width of a hand below the navel. Mildred Carter
says to massage the area “rather hard for a count of
three.” I knead back and forth as he thrusts.
2. Sock Point: On the inside of his leg, about a hand’s
width above the ankle, is a reflex directly related to
his gonads (testes). Massage it with the thumb. If
ultimate guide to oral sex
148it’s sore, Carter says to be gentle for the first few
weeks you do this. I do this endlessly when his legs
are near.
3. Centurion Thigh Point: About three inches above
the knee, on the soft area on the outside of the
knee, is another tender reflex. During oral sex our
hands often naturally gravitate here.
4. Hermes’ Wing: Located on the outside of each foot
below the ankle. (It’s okay if he feels a sharp sensa-
tion, because it feels good afterwards.)
5. At the top of his head, massage circles so you
actually move the skin around. This is a highly
neglected key point of sexual activity which feels
weird until you find it and see the contact make
him groan. You are, however, more likely to have
access to it when he goes down on you than vice
versa.
6. Press your middle finger (called the fire finger
because it sends out the strongest energy) in the
middle of the forehead just below the hair line.
Move the skin down to the bridge of the nose and
back up in a rolling motion. This also benefits the
male endocrine system.
7. Press the “gonad” reflexes just below the nose, and
straight down just above the bulge of the chin.
awaken his sex drive to the fullest
149From potency and performance to feeling chipper and
reading that map, sex and happiness seem to be one ball
of wax for the most lovable guys, with us able to keep
them happy on the deepest physical level. You can ener-
gize a man and stimulate his sexual system as you delight
him with oral sex. Please think of this as for both before
and while you fondle, suck on, and receive his penis.
Your awareness of these male reflex points means you can
now drive him wild, with a huge bonus of fostering his
sexual health. I recommend them unconditionally!
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15037
Digressions Y ou can make a digression from oral sex to other
ingenious play. Your partner may like to stick it in
your ear, between your thighs, in your cleavage, in the
curve under a breast, and under your armpits.
In sex, most everything seems strange until you do it.
I certainly did not expect ever to find a penis in my ear.
When I did, the sensation of it thrusting there was an
arousing tickle. Moreover, I had the big, strong leg of a
very attractive lacrosse player over my chest. The fear-
inspired scenario, where he would gush come into my ear
(and probably make me deaf) seemed silly now that we
were wrapped in each other’s bodies, having fun.
Francesca is tall, has long legs, a big chest, and
athletic thighs. She is lovely and in proportion, but if
you isolate the thighs they are very simply “big.” She
says that her fiancé spends considerable time literally
between them, as she rolls and squeezes his manly part.
She calls it “sex without borders.” If you have thought
more about concealing your thighs than making love withthem, use Francesca as your model. Massage a nice lotion
into your thighs and see how sexily prepared they feel.
k Start out with dry friction against your body, and then
remove him to your mouth. You can also use a digres-
sion to cool your partner down at half-time.
k Even running his thing over your nipples can be
wonderful. You are saying, “Oh, I did that.” But did
you do it last night?
k Another idea that is soothing as well as a surprise for
him is if you place him on your sex, and instead of his
entering you, you put your labia around him like a
mink stole for a brief moment.
k The anus is another alternative to your mouth, which
sex manuals have a lot of advice on. I find their tone
apologetic. It’s okay with me if a penis strays to the
anal area, but to really go at it there burns and stings.
I see it from the man’s potential point of view: a tight
opening, go for it. However, from our view, anal sex
can lead to an internal rupture of our walls and it does
not position us to a likely climax. In anal sex, pain
can cut through the experience, and that’s not some-
thing anyone wants.
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When He’s Dessert Y ou can actually drizzle anything you’d like to lick
off of a penis during oral sex: honey, chocolate
sauce, thinned decorator’s icing, whatever. Just make sure
that whatever you put on has been licked off completely
before intercourse, if that’s next on the menu. Flavored
and sugar-containing lickables are often poor substances
to get into the vagina.
k There is the use of lubes on the penis (or on the
condom) too. There are plenty of such flavored lubes
available on the more classy websites, such as Good
Vibrations. Search for “flavored” and “lickable” for
many options.
k Real foods are smooth, creamy, affordable, and fun. If
you use a food product, get the good brand. Buy a
fancy one in a nice jar.
k Champagne is my longstanding favorite. It should not
be chilled too coldly, however. Put the champagne in
your mouth first and dribble it. In French, efferves-
cent is pétillant, that means it makes you quicken,ultimate guide to oral sex
154
which I think describes perfectly a splash of cham-
pagne anointing a penis. A similar effervescence is
achieved by putting an Alka-Seltzer in your mouth
with a cold liquid—a gentle and great sensation for
the guy inside.
k Also from the liquor cabinet, you can make a piña
colada. Get the Coco Goya mix. It is creamy and the
pineapple makes it oily so it glides. You can start with
an ice chip in your mouth for the full effect. Pour the
mix over him and spread some coconut. Top him with
a cherry anywhere it will sit. This is clearly adaptable
for oral sex in the reverse (him to you); where the ice
goes differs.
k I don’t care for the proverbial peanut butter on his
trunk. If it gives you and him chuckles, I am told, for
oral sex Jiffy Creamy peanut butter is best. I also hear
raves for extra virgin light olive oil, ice sherbet, and
pear butter. I’ll lick off a tablespoon of warm maple
syrup with delectation, the other information I just
pass on to you.
k Whatever you put in a bowl you can use. My friend
Marty, who does sexual things that sometimes make
me gasp, takes the lead again with some unexpected
contents of that bowl. She claims to have immersed
guys in Cheese Doodles to lick off the golden dust
for hours. You turn the bag upside down, and whilepinching the bottom, you crunch with your available
fingers. His penis turns golden orange, as the micro
bits of Cheese Doodles adorn him. It’s definitely a
project! She overturns tubs of edibles on her hus-
band’s rod. One really nice one of my own invention:
during a blow job you take a tub of Fluffernut and
turn it upside down. Put the jar over him, don’t just
stick it on him. He has to have a hard-on. Make sure
the penis is really covered, not like with Hershey’s
syrup or honey. Think layered. You can dress it up
with chocolate or strawberry syrup. It’s pretty, too. It’s
for when you are close enough to have fun with him!
k For her husband’s thirty-fifth birthday, Marty made a
double batch of frosting and wrote birthday wishes on
his belly and below. Once he was erect, she stood can-
dles around him, lit them, and blew them out as she
nibbled up the icing.
k Motion lotion, sold on websites for sexual goodies,
turns hot when you blow on it. Put it anywhere. Either
you blow gently on it as per the instructions or it’s
there when you touch or rub to increase his arousal.
Motion lotions are good in that they are made to put
in your mouth. You sometimes taste massage oil that’s
been absorbed in his skin, but this stuff makes you
want to really lick.
when he’s dessert
155k A lot of picnicking on your guy is messy. You may
enjoy the dereliction of it or see it as just a mess. If
it doesn’t grab you today, think of it at a later date,
for instance when there are no small children with
the extra housekeeping they bring to your life. If you
do have him for dessert, be creative and put your
emotions and passions into it. He can tell if you
really dig it.
The Sexy Way to Wash
Who gets the wet spot? This can upset two insomniac
bedmates, especially on a chilly night. When you give
your partner a blow job out somewhere, you are glad just
for a jacket to rest your knees and a tissue to wipe up; but
if you have the luxury of the bedroom, definitely equip
yourself with a source of warm or hot thin towels and
washcloths, which are a boon for daily sex as well as wild
sex feasts, to deal with the wet spots.
k A towel or washcloth will be fine, so long as it is thin
and absorbent, relatively small, and not the terry
kind—those are better to wrap up in after a bath.
k Beforehand, you can surprise him by using a hot
towel on his feet. Massage his ankles and go between
his toes. You can make a surprise detour to his dick as
well. (Because of the towel, it won’t tickle.) It’s often
recommended you wash the uncircumcised man,
ultimate guide to oral sex
156suggesting maybe some of the dust you’re kicking up
got caught there, but I’ve never seen a practical need.
k Midway, if you are both sweaty, instead of liking it or
pretending you do, swab a towel on his brow and/or
over his midsection.
k Aprés-sex is lazy when you’re lying there in bliss. Does
it break the mood to go wash (and possibly get more
towels)? I think a discreet trip to the bathroom works
right into the mood.
k The Ablutions: Hand washing, face washing with a
cleanser all over, dabbing on an astringent of witch
hazel, gargling with antiseptic mouthwash—I timed
it; you can be back in the sack in one hundred
seconds. When I go, I leave my naked lover dozing in
the candlelight and come back feeling deliciously
clean, with him none the wiser!
k If your exploration of his erogenous zones has taken
you to the sensitive area around his anus, unless you
use a barrier from a sex shop, you can easily remove
any bacteria by washing your face, brushing your
tongue, and using mouthwash. If your skin breaks out
from this or any other element of the blow job (it
could just be his shaft on your cheek), put on a light
film of Neosporin anywhere there was contact. (Now
we’re up to two minutes.)
when he’s dessert
157k In intimacy we make our own cherished rituals. I
return with a hot wet towel and a soft dry towel that
we apply together to wash him. This feels vaguely
biblical and very nice. Now, you and he may like to
cleave, or you can tuck him in with a quilt up to his
chest or mid-back, and be a little separate as you have
your own afterglow and you let him doze or fall asleep.
k If you swallow, there’s no stickiness. However, I know
a lot of women who insist that isn’t happening. If so,
I recommend you catch the semen in your mouth and
eject it in a towel or the sink; otherwise you can have
quite a mess from that one to two teaspoons of come
as it squirts everywhere.
k When you rub and stroke him with a warm towel,
study the places his skin leaps to your touch.
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Sweet Surrender H elplessness can be exciting. If you want to blow his
mind, slip a blindfold on him and tell him to lie
back and enjoy. Then touch him in unpredictable ways—
a lick on the chest, a pinch of the inner thigh, a tweak of
the nipple. Alter your blow job routine so he doesn’t
know what’s next and he’ll be squirming in delight.
k Before heading into something where he is tied down,
make sure he wants to do this, and ask him for a word
that would let you know that something hurts. That
way if he does struggle hard against his restraints and
pulls a muscle or hurts a wrist or ankle or just plain
panics, you know to stop and free him. If you’re think-
ing of tying him to something else, or even just tying
his wrists together, be sure to get safe restraints. Don’t
use handcuffs or scarves because if he does pull against
the restraints at all, he could end up with serious
tendon damage. Find some soft rope that’s intended
for bondage, or go to a sex shop and get some safe
restraints. You don’t have to spend a fortune, but youwant something that is at least one and a half to two
inches wide, and that won’t tighten down or cut into
the skin if he moves around in his excitement.
k What to tie him to? If you don’t have a headboard and
footboard, then you can put a broom or two between
the mattress and box spring and tie him to that. Many
restraints come with long tethers so you can tie them
directly to something.
k Once he can’t move, you can do anything you want.
Tease him, caress him, and then make him crazy with
your skillful pleasuring. Being bound can be quite
arousing to some, so don’t be surprised if he’s more
aroused than usual. Be playful and unpredictable, and
try some new ways of touching him. Bring out your
feather boa, something hot and something cold,
something prickly and something soft. Tickle him
gently (only if tickling is something that he likes in a
“no/yes” sort of way), then back off altogether and
make him wonder when you’re going to touch him
next. The idea is to take advantage of the fact that he
cannot control anything, and make that fun and
exciting to both of you. By the time you get down to
some serious pleasuring, he’ll be so intensely aroused
he might even achieve an altered state of mind!
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Sex Toys and Oral Sex W e don’t instantly think of sex toys with oral sex,
which makes it all the more fascinating. To get it
down just right, I went to a brilliant sexologist, Carol
Queen, who has advised at the Good Vibrations
company for fifteen years. You’ll be wowed by Carol’s
expertise, and find the possibilities in the sex toy chest
an eye-opener. Good Vibrations was founded with a
mission of education as well as sales. Compared with the
gobbledygook written on this subject, we can truly
appreciate Carol’s authority and plain speaking. Carol
Queen says:
“There are two easy ways to pep up oral sex by adding
toys. First, you can explore the world of cock rings (on
the Good Vibrations website, search ‘ring’). There are
two basic kinds: vibrating rings, which can be positioned
anywhere on the shaft, and which vibrate either at one
speed or at varying strengths; and the more traditional
cock ring, which works best when it’s positioned beneath
the testicles, right against the body wall.“Let me talk about the non-vibrating style first. The
cock ring works something like a tourniquet, though you
don’t wear it that tightly. It gives a mild-to-medium-
strength squeeze at the very base of the penis, the way
you could do with your thumb and fingers. This feels
good to many men, plus it keeps the blood in the penis
and makes a man’s erection firmer, and may even make it
last longer than usual. Cock rings may also feel a bit like
bondage to a guy, which some men like, and others do
not. (You can find very bondagey rings with scary names
such as ‘Gates of Hell,’ but these obstruct the shaft of the
penis, and would likely make it harder, not easier, to give
oral sex.) One ring style, the Double Crown, has separate
straps for the testicles. Besides being a bit like bondage as
well, this has a particular physiological effect: because
men’s testicles generally elevate right before ejaculation,
this style of ring might prevent a guy from coming as
soon as he usually does.
“Another word about rings and sensation change:
most of us know the erection is generated by blood flow-
ing into the penis, but it’s not as clearly understood that
the increased blood flow also helps increase sensation. So
cock rings can do a great thing; they can help an erection
last longer and simultaneously encourage heightened
sensation. That’s why cock ring fans use them. (They
used to be in even more common use before Viagra.)
ultimate guide to oral sex
162“Now, back to rings that vibrate. These were actually
designed to give extra clitoral stimulation to a woman
during intercourse. It’s like using any vibrator, except the
ring is connected to the penis rather than held by hand.
When the ring is being used primarily for the sensation of
the man, you can use it at the base, as a no-hands vibrator;
you can even use it up toward the corona, which will be
more sensitive to vibration than the lower shaft. (The head
of the penis is most comparable to the clitoris, and if clits
love vibrators, cockheads might well love them too!)
“When you put a vibe up at the coronal ridge and
then perform oral sex, you’ll probably lavish pretty much
all your attention on the head; not every woman will
want to stretch her mouth over a buzzing toy.
“There is a vibrator designed to fit on the tongue,
either via a tongue piercing or with a rubber band. This
is a tiny toy ideally sized to allow more active oral sex,
that incorporates vibration. Good Vibes doesn’t sell this
particular product, however. We are concerned that dur-
ing the wet, movement-filled activity that is a good blow
job, the tiny vibrator might come off the tongue and pose
a hazard. (A safer way to do a similar kind of play would
be placing a tiny vibrator, like the Itty Bitty vibe, into a
condom, and placing the condom over the penis. Note
that you’ll be putting your mouth over a buzzing object
made of hard plastic, so watch your teeth! It might feel
sex toys and oral sex
163odd to you, but it’s likely to feel pretty amazing to him.)
“You can also use a small, hand-held vibrator to vary
the sensations during oral play. Go from mouth, to vibra-
tor, and back again. Any hand-held vibrator can be used
this way, and is a great surprise for many men, since lots
of men think of vibrators as toys that women use, and
have never tried one before.
“Finally, some men like play with dildos and anal
plugs, and oral sex that incorporates use of these toys will
be very intense and pleasurable for such men. Note that
every material besides silicone and non-porous materials
like Lucite will require condom coverage for best results
and easy cleaning. Note too that you’ll need lube for any
anal play, and make sure that lube isn’t coming into con-
tact with your lips when you go down...
“Speaking of condoms: Most people don’t think of
condoms as a sex toy, but if you do begin to think about
the sensation of using them, and let yourself get playful,
condoms will seem more sexy. To make condoms sexier
during oral sex (and every other time), put lube into the
tip of the condom before putting it on the man’s penis.
Three or four drops are enough for intercourse; for oral
sex, because you’ll have your hands available to keep the
condom from sliding off, you can use more if you like.
The lube will allow more slipperiness of the condom on
the cockhead, and with it more sensation.”
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Prolonging the Pleasure S ome guys are sensitive. No, I don’t mean in the emo-
tional sense (though some guys are sensitive that way
too), but in that “you touch my penis, I come almost
immediately” sense. Fellatio can be even more exciting,
giving you no time to really make love to his penis.
While he has to do most of the work when it comes to
learning how to extend his arousal without coming
quickly, you are in a position to provide some helpful
intervention.
If you know your man is quick on the draw, Ellen
Barnard recommends several things the two of you can
do to set up your blow job to be longer and more
interesting. First, encourage him to masturbate to orgasm
once, either before you are planning on some sex play
together or right there in front of you. Then you can start
your touching, teasing, and pleasuring, and he will be
much less sensitive. Ellen calls this the “come and come
again” method. The up side is that you get a lot of time
to play and enjoy his body. The down side is that it mighttake him quite awhile to recover and be able to come
again if he masturbates right there before the two of you
start your mutual play, so be ready to use all your tricks so
your jaw doesn’t get too tired.
The other way you can work with him is to learn
when he is getting to that “I’m gonna blow” point and
press hard on his perineum. It relaxes his pelvic floor,
which in turn slows down his arousal so he doesn’t come.
It doesn’t hurt and you’re in the perfect position to reach
back and push when he needs your help. If you’re not so
sure you want to press hard on a sensitive part of his body,
just back off and stop touching his penis. Start playing
with his balls, or stroking his thighs, or just give him a
hug until he relaxes and pulls back from that “almost
there” spot. Then start pleasuring him more directly
again. Do this several times, and then let him come. His
orgasm will be stronger and he’ll be starting to learn how
to enjoy pleasure for a much longer time.
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If Your Baby Goes
Baby-Soft “I f he goes soft, it is part of his sexual cycle.” I have
read this in several sex manuals. Not in my book! He
may go from hard-hard to just stiff, but if a man’s penis
goes in and out of soft he’s got a problem—even if just for
tonight.
Let me guess. His boss fired him. He failed statistics
or chemistry. His mother told him he is cruel to her. He
is cheating on his wife or girlfriend. The last woman in
his life told him he has a small penis or had no sexual
savoir-faire. Women mess guys up, even destroy their
manhood, and men can be emasculated by what goes on
in the career zone. (We can be emasculated too, but our
feminine responsiveness is still up and running, only
more so. If things are bad at work we could wear a lapel
button that says “Please hug.”)
The other reason he goes soft is discomfort with the
environment. The phone may ring and merely interferewith your stellar lovemaking, but if the baby with a fever
wakes up howling in the next room, or your teenager
screeches in the drive, or three successive phone calls
ring out like bugles, he gets out of the moment and may
go soft.
If he gets soft out of guilt, you learn the pull of that
last relationship, which he declared history. If he gets
soft because he’s intoxicated or high, you learn that his
substance governs him and he needs substance abuse
treatment. For any other reason when his erection flails,
it’s your chance to save his male honor and restore his
sex organ to a beautiful, fully functioning state.
The solution starts with you. Think about something
else that attracts you and kiss it. Do not look his impo-
tence in the eye any more than you’d stare down an
attack dog. Remember that hard and soft are mental, and
you want to restore confidence to the man-sword.
k Caress other parts of him to show him you’re still into
it. Massage (not rhythmic, just stroke) up and inward
from the perineum to the penis. If you ring the base of
the penis with light, warm pressure, it becomes more
rigid. If you’ve been snoozing on the job, speed up.
Experiment with more manual vigor. He’ll take your
hand away if it hurts.
k By the same token, if you were going fast, slow down.
You’ll feel inclined to speed up as though you’re
ultimate guide to oral sex
168cranking up a Model-T Ford, but that only increases
his nerves. Slowly caress his chest or forearms and get
your bearings. Then, starting at his ankles, squeeze up
his legs with massage, ending inside his thighs where
the squeezes become more like puffs using your
fingers. His flag has gone down, but he’s still in a
sexualized state which you can augment.
k A bit of a show is really effective with some guys:
staccato sucking down on the corona with a sort of
staccato kiss, gyrating your hips, and sticking out your
butt. This registers like a cute pony stamping its foot.
k Press your thumbs into him, slightly in front of his hip
bones and up two inches. Be casual—why should he
realize you are applying Eastern medicine?
k Now you can return to the penis. It may look DOA,
but his libido is only playing hide-and-seek. Whip
your tongue tenderly on the glans, and then quickly,
as if you haven’t cognized he’s soft, fit your mouth
over it. Instead of applying pressure to the shaft as you
normally would, fix your mouth down at the base.
Roll him around, touching the glans and shaft as lit-
tle as possible until you feel signs of life. His penis will
automatically seek more, and as the blood circulates
in it, he will regain hardness. Hold the penis in your
mouth, and as you swirl around it with your tongue
and lips, tell it you still love it!
if your baby goes baby-soft
169k You may play with other parts of his body, and fiddle
him against your mons or between your breasts. If you
go to his back door with your tongue, he’ll see right
through to your desperation. However, you can
tongue between his balls and the penis, and use your
fingers like raindrops where thigh meets leg. Just
remember, don’t look, don’t focus on his being soft,
work the base with your mouth and don’t give up.
k A final note: We’re talking about what to do if he goes
soft-soft. While you give oral sex, you will find most
men lie back in ecstasy with a full erection, but not
the rigid, turgid erection that signals the final stage
before ejaculation. They want to prolong the fun.
People who have one loving partner to communicate
all their trials, fears, and hopes to for thirty years can
have the man get soft and pay no heed. When it happens
to a man with me, though, I feel its impact on his ego
and I deal with it. I strongly recommend you rectify this
condition rather than shrug it off. It is so gratifying to be
the cause of a resurrection.
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The After-Blow W hat is past prologue? Do you want to continue sex
play and intercourse? Chances are he can become
erect again. Not only does fellatio create a mega-orgasm,
but a man is also more inclined to bounce back for round
two than if it had been intercourse. First of all, he has
laid back and let you do the work. Secondly, the sucking
action made it so he didn’t have to propel as much.
Third, he relishes variety, which can put him right back
in the game.
k If oral sex is the finale, this is a sweet moment. Hold
his shaft in your palm and roll it between your fore-
finger and thumb.
k He may want you to get every drop or move off him
lickety-split. Be sensitive to his desires. Some men
like you to fade out like music, in which case the best
approach is to keep him in your mouth and suck high
on the shaft, but not on the sensitive head. Then you
can inhale his taste so he knows how much you liked
fellating him. If you slump with fatigue he will thinkthat you had trouble waiting for him to reach the
pinnacle, and that you were racing to the edge. On
the other hand, if you trifle with his hips, sidle up to
him, or slide around his torso, or brush his mouth with
light kisses, the message is that you adore him.
k Cuddle the length of him, aligning your bodies instead
of squeezing him. His body is sensitized and relaxing.
He’s a little dazed. I think of him as semi-hypnotized
inside a shining glass box of sensation. Don’t destroy
your handiwork by demanding he be present.
k Pillow talk after fellatio is brush-stroked. Say what-
ever you wish, but don’t expect sustained conversation,
maybe just a heartfelt wow. Sex is not a break in
chitchat. He feels temporarily passive, which is in
contrast to the woman, whose mental faculties are
exceptionally keen post-orgasm.
k Dr. Knox says, “All the details won’t matter much
now. The guy will be in heavenly pleasure. As long as
she gave him a loving suck and used her hands, the
rest doesn’t matter. He’s smiling.”
k Sometimes you bathe together. Use an elegant, herbal
bath by Caswell-Massey or Kneipp. Throw in some
bath salts and you won’t have to clean the tub.
Luxuriate. Soap his genitals. The warmth of the water
re-inflates his being and harmonizes the space each of
you is in.
ultimate guide to oral sex
172Section Five
Oral Sex and Love
sweet surrender“Love is a game that two can play
and both win.”
—Eva Gabor44
Vicarious Vixens M en often describe my combination of being classy
and yet gritty as what attracts them. I think of it
like the perfumer’s art—you want to be sweet but spicy,
and have refrains that arouse the senses after the first
note disappears. This is fine, but like everything, it’s a
matter of proportion. This year I am getting remarried
(I’ve found a great love). Trust me, as I look back on a
life full of sex with a range of glamorous men and out-
standing studs, I could do with a few less memories of
true grit. I value every time I had the kind of sex that was
shot through with rays of love and a promise of nice
things to come. Fucking gave me a PhD in sexual tech-
nique, but it leaves everything to be desired as a pattern
of behavior. The same infamous Linda Lovelace who
wrote what a ball she was having at twenty-one in Inside
Linda Lovelace, utterly changed her tune later and con-
fessed to having been fucked up by her truculent, careless
sexual sporting.With sex comes emotions, even though we can shut
them down for sheer fun in the moment. You don’t want to
get emotionally churned up about sexual partners who are
not worth it. Few of us are invested in saving our virginity
today, but to “save yourself” for a destined life-partner still
makes sense. If Carl Jung taught us anything, it’s that as
women, our feelings naturally are more active than men’s.
A man can act callously when his feeling nature is asleep.
He can lust after you when he is indifferent to you as a
whole person. You are more likely to sense when sex is love;
a man may miss the point. I see young women walk away
desolate or numb from the same promiscuity that is the
equivalent of adolescent horseplay for guys. I tell them,
“For the relationship to get to him in a big way, and to be
faithful to him, you need to go through the levels of sex to
the unique, sublime, and almost death-defying.”
When I introduced Bill, a very handsome cartoon
animator I was sleeping with, to a friend who is a Jesuit
priest, Father Joseph said, “I don’t know, Jane. Some men
are only men from the waist down.” I gasped—could he
mean Bill? Father Joseph certainly picked up on something.
Bill soon revealed he was already engaged to a woman in
Canada. Not that he was a bad person, he just led with his
dick. You want to give your body and your heart to the man
with the best intentions, knowing that he will keep them
both safe. Bring out the stud in the good guy.
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Superglue I sak Dinesen, the Danish writer, put these words in her
character’s mouth in the film Out of Africa: “When you
have sex, nature intends you think about now: cleaving,
climaxing, and procreating.” It’s our easy opportunity to
live in the moment and get to that radiant contentment
the prophets of religion extol. The opportunity to be
happy forever, experience the chemistry with your
partner, and feel the love bond that only gets stronger
allows each person to feel whole and free.
Once you find a good man, and an exciting, nurtur-
ing rapport, you stick with it. A magazine once assigned
me to write on the secret recipe of happy couples. Lois
Gunsberg, the wife of the then-president of Walter
Reade Cinemas, told me how simple it was that she and
her husband had an enviable romance after twenty-five
years of marriage:
“Anything you do for the other person you do for
yourself.”Don’t make him jealous, don’t worry if he goes to
Vegas with his friends, or feel guilty if you are a little
attracted to a guy at your business conference. Don’t
worry if you overcook the pasta, shrink his sweater in
the dryer, or don’t warm immediately to his sister. Act
intelligently. Bring the special man who appreciates you
a joy to permeate his whole being. Give him one night
to remember after another with full-throttle oral sex.
When you drive him wild it reflects caring and joy on
you. He and you will cleave together in such a way that
you won’t ever have to “move on.”
Giving great head is not for the one-night stand—
why waste it if you are just going to walk away? It is for
the long haul, when you care so much to perform on your
partner better, better, best. Being supportive of each
other, living the passion, and performance in bed are the
three vertices of the Great Love Triangle. Attend to your
performance by utilizing simple moves and advance into
a very preferred female position of sexual power; the good
kind! You learn to put a man into an utterly relaxed,
receptive state of body and mind. You learn to give a
man’s penis adoration.
ultimate guide to oral sex
178You Have to Think for Two
(Hey, What’s New?)
Women want to know if they are good at giving oral sex
and how to give more pleasure through this intimate act.
Men want to know if they could have more satisfaction,
how to ask for it, and what they can do so a woman
enjoys giving fellatio as much as they enjoy receiving it.
A sexual tune-up goes with a man’s keen curiosity, exper-
imental wishes, and desire to fulfill us. Couples thrive
when they progress in their pleasures.
When you give a man oral sex, you and he both get to
know his body, his unique responses, his true ardor.
Sexual counselors say to communicate verbally, but in
my experience that is hoping for a pot of gold at the end
of a rainbow. His dick can do all the talking to you if you
look and listen to what it says.
What the romances have right is that men love us to
touch and shower affection on their penises. You are
assured of your success in this course; you can go ahead
and educate your touch at your own pace.
superglue
17946
The Spectrum of
Lovemaking I t’s a shame when “giving head” creates a snicker, or
has a superficial association with pathetic teenagers.
Oral sex varies from intricate to playful, an act that can
be more than just satisfying lovemaking.
True Love Test
There’s glory in performing great oral sex on a man you
truly love. Did you realize that many men consider oral
sex more intimate than intercourse? To me that is proof
that if you’re into the act, you touch hearts. Oral sex
can be as a test of authentic love. Because you have a
physical distance, body to body, there’s a detachment
from your partner, as your sexual modalities are
complimentary but different as one of you gives the
other oral sex. And then there is the fact of his amazing
lingam. Your orientation tends to be more objective all-
round.Every single time you do it you can get an indicator
inside yourself of whether you truly love and cherish him.
Even if you love a man, I’m warning you not to give him
oral sex when you’re angry, preoccupied, or overwrought.
Open your legs in dreary acquiescence if you will. Yes, it
is conceivable to “put out” while feeling indifferent. You
can fantasize or screen your own X-rated movie. But
don’t you want the stars to shine brighter, your hearts to
quicken when you have sex? Then do not put your
mouth on him; the active physical giving to someone
you’re steaming at (not steamy about) will leave a bitter
aftertaste! Oral sex evolves magically on both sides with-
in a sexually demonstrative couple.
For most of us, monogamy, with its devotion and
companionship, is an ideal. Yet all signs point to the fact
that monogamy can easily be monotonous. A committed
couple needs variety. Oral sex offers endless variety.
When a man of substance dumps his wife, she often
confesses, “I did more than my fair share of the house-
work, child care, and paying off the mortgage. I took care
of his needs and he betrayed me!” She never says, “And
I gave him everything he wanted in bed.” If she did, he’s
probably wishing he could come home right now!
If a grown woman is dating someone special, and
things heat up and they land in bed, she’s going to hope
she’s a great lay. Her skill at sex is part of what she offers
ultimate guide to oral sex
182a new man. This sounds crass until you admit it’s natural
to want to knock a guy’s socks off in the sexual arena. It’s
as wholesome as hanging a Marilyn Monroe calendar in
your kitchen or shopping at Victoria’s Secret for seduc-
tive lingerie to be a femme fatale.
Stop Keeping Score, Keep Love
Please, get over the idea that everything in sex has to be
even! Your gift of oral sex to a man you love becomes an
intense pleasure when you stop keeping score. Remember
that in letting you touch, tease, stroke, and work into a
lather his most prized possession, he is giving you his
trust. Receiving fellatio is ceding control to you, and that
pokes a hole in the non-committing, withholding male.
The Keys to the Kingdom
Intercourse is related to conception—a subtext to
coupling. By contrast, oral sex is exclusively about
having fun—it’s intoxicating play. It activates in a man
a unique, primal set of feelings that swing from lust to
affection and back, and exerts an extremely powerful
pull on his libido. I live in a town that’s crawling with
pleasant-enough stockbrokers and gorgeous women.
Through sports—a running club and weightlifting at the
YMCA—I converse with local guys with whom I would
otherwise have a mere nodding acquaintance. Men are
the spectrum of lovemaking
183very generalized and jokey when they talk of sex except
during active sports. If you want information on their
sentiments (as opposed to stats on their favorite team,
computer and auto prices), you tune in while their
testosterone is highest and they disclose much more.
Anyway, these late 20s to 60s virile guys, married or
bachelors, become ecstatic and practically blush when
there is an allusion to a woman performing oral sex. It’s
as though a switch is flicked on that makes the model
train race around the track. Somebody’s onto their
favorite act on their favorite part. Probably no seduction
is complete without pleasuring the man with your
mouth. I believe this basic sexual act will bring a man
around to adore you.
Freud was clear on this subject: The experience of
your touching his sex without the whole impregnation
issue goes back to his baby-boy self-admiration for having
such an eye-catching, versatile toy. He loves that you
love it!
Once you master the art of oral sex, you can forget all
the gymnastic positions of the Kama Sutra. Oral sex
melts men. A man will practically become addicted to a
woman who gives great oral sex. Your mouth on his penis
brings him incomparable excitement. When you perform
oral sex expertly, you command a world of boundless
pleasure.
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18447
It’s Just for Him Y ou participate in his pleasure. When you are impa-
tient and can’t wait to see someone receive a pres-
ent, that’s a pleasure. I know a rich man who wrote
many big birthday checks. His judgment was admired by
everyone in business, and he was also praised for giving
what people “most wanted.” Yet he didn’t take pleasure
in giving—it was all a chore. If our friend puts thought
into the wrapping of a small gift, we feel special when we
receive it. Giving oral sex is a gift you wrap with
excitement and what connects you together.
Chloe was in graduate school and living with her
fiancé while he was an interning doctor. Money was tight;
to be able to go out, Jeff began to donate sperm at a
fertility clinic. He was paid $500 each time and was per-
mitted by the rules of the clinic to give only so many
times a year. The problem for Chloe and Jeff was that he
felt so exhausted when he came home he fell into bed.
They had virtually no sex life. The time came to ejaculate
sperm, but when he sat on the toilet seat with a girliemagazine, he dozed off with his head between his legs.
Chloe gave him oral sex to assist, then she put a coat over
her nightgown and ran the sample to the lab.
“I understood about his being generally too tired for
sex,” recalls Chloe. “I was happy to give him oral sex
because I knew we’d go out for a good dinner, relax, and
be loving together; but jumping up after going down on
him is the worst experience we’ve ever had. The coldness
stabbed me in my heart.”
So a cold fellatio is not what I mean when I say oral
sex is just for him. You have to conclude in an intimate
mood. If you do that, no matter how much you thrive on
a climax, or bunch of climaxes, you will be satisfied.
Even if you haven’t practiced how to climax after his
slight pressure on you, you can feel the direct line of
arousal that is carried from your brain all the way to
your vagina. Roil your mind. Let your sexuality bubble
up and lap out in waves. It breaks through into your cli-
toris. Something shivers inside, and you hold for fifteen
seconds instead of letting the sensation go. Breathe
deeply and reimagine the plumb line as he reaches
orgasm. Seconded by release, your skin tingles, your
pulse escalates, and your vagina throbs. This surge of
stimulation makes you feel at one with your partner,
whereas it’s quite lonely to remain placid.
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18648
The Bonus M y first divorce lawyer, Mark, was a big success in his
field. Mark was handsome, wealthy, and sexy. He
treated me like a queen and was great with my kids. He
had one drawback: he talked constantly. One weekend I
chose going to hear Rod Stewart at Madison Square
Garden (knowing the seats were behind the stage), over
watching Andrew Agassi in Forest Hills. Why? Because
the band would drown out Mark. There was no changing
him, as he boasted that the secret of his success was “I
never stop talking.” He proposed, I hurt him, but oh the
sex! Hours of pleasure. At forty, incredibly deft and virile,
he defied all odds.
When I was going down on Mark, I guess he wasn’t
afraid of conversational competition. He would really
spill the beans—his doubts, hopes, neuroses—then the
oral sex was over, and bing, he sealed himself back into
the mover and shaker, the powerful Manhattanite. The
case of Mark is extreme, but what I sensed was something
very male about talking vulnerably: giving somethingemotional and gratifying to you as you give them some-
thing physically gratifying. An even exchange, of sorts.
Ted, a lover with a body to admire twelve months of the
year, was a top amateur wrestler. He was rife with defenses
that I attribute to his training in that sport. We went to
Miami together and were resting at the edge of a pool when
I reached over teasingly under the water. Whack! He
karate chopped my arm. Defensive! However, he was a very
sweet, sexual titan, with a sterling character as well. Get
this though: Ted, once the fabulous sex was over, didn’t like
to be touched. He’d raise his hands to block me if I feigned
so much as a cuddle. It was a mental thing masked as a skin
thing. In the interludes when I gave Ted oral sex, though,
he let all those walls down and told me how his “great” big
family could push his buttons by expecting him at all
occasions, how people thought he looked like a bouncer
but he got a 3.0 grade point average in college, how it
depressed him when he failed as an MTV dancer. It went
on and on, so long as I went on and on.
How do you elicit this truth telling from your typical
virile guy? How does a man go from mumbling and sigh-
ing to revelations and thoughts that bring the two of you
to a plane of intimacy you can return to? Just keep your
mouth on his phallus and let him blow. It’s better, how-
ever, you keep this knowledge to yourself, and invoke it
blow by blow!
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18849
Oral Brain Sex W omen today hope for men who will be upstanding,
kindhearted, and sensitive. Brain Sex, a ground-
breaking book of the eighties, told us that aspiring to
inculcate a “sensitive” side in guys is asking for too much.
There’s no harm in a society engaging in sensitivity train-
ing for boys, but I see it like ballroom dance classes—it
gives them the footwork, but doesn’t turn them into
dancers. Authors Anne Moir and David Jessel made a
case that the circuitry of the male brain is different from
ours. Men are remote from intimacy; their capacity to
feel tends to be more divorced from their capacity to
articulate, and they are wired for action rather than for
people. This can all be attributed to who they are physi-
cally. What these English authors wrote holds true now,
and for a long time to come: “The language of the male
is more in the vocabulary of action—doing things, shar-
ing activities, and physical courtesies. Holding a door or
carrying in the groceries is not mere social convention, it
is the masculine for ‘I care for you.’”Instead of wringing our hands and giving up on inti-
macy, we can enter the room of a man’s emotions when
he unlocks it, during oral sex. In general, sex has a rich
vocabulary—if we think to use it. I remember when my
brother told me the boys in the neighborhood didn’t
want me, a girl, playing football with them anymore. I
understood boys from playing marbles with them, but
when they went on to football, I realized that by being
thrown off the playing field, I was going to lose touch
with how guys thought. We can get back on the playing
field with a lover only if we speak love’s language loud
and clear.
I’m giving you a sample of the unending vocabulary
you can draw on. Let’s focus on the impressions that
many women of very diverse personalities often want to
alter. With style, we can make him love us even more.
k Does he think you are clingy? Give his body space.
You can do the blow job with a minimalist’s touch of
mouth and hands.
k Does he criticize you, as almost all men tend to, for
being too sensitive? Cut the moans and sighs and just
dazzle him with your deftness.
k Are you irrationally jealous sometimes? While you
have his penis utterly in your control, give a big smile
and tell him he can fantasize about anybody—you can
name her, particularly someone who would be about
ultimate guide to oral sex
190seventy years old now, like Marilyn Monroe—he likes
as you go down on him.
k He relies on your organizational skills but wishes you’d
throw caution to the wind more often. Put on a show.
k Does he think you are too experienced? Blush.
k Does he postpone conversations you really need to
have? My gutsy friend Marty will interrupt giving her
husband oral sex to challenge him on something. It
seems unromantic? She shrugs and says, “His atten-
tion peaks with his dick, and in my marriage there’s
no pillow talk because I love to wear him out in bed!”
k It’s win/win when you give him a blow job while
painting yourself in the best possible light with body
language.
Just remember how unsubtle he is in interpreting your
feelings. There is only one message you don’t want to
give, that you like to “service” him. If, even in fun, he
stands naked with the remote control in one hand and
invites you to go down on him, say or show him, “I’ll
pass.” If he unzips behind the boathouse with a full moon
over the waves breaking on the rocks? Same deal. Don’t
get angry, remember how he’s wired, but say, “Hold the
thought.” The initiative from him has to be shown while
conscious that this act is your gift. Be sophisticated and
create only good memories on that playing field of love.
oral brain sex
19150
Receiving a Gift Y ou love to go down on him, but it’s for his pleasure.
If you are lucky you can convince him that it’s okay
for nine-tenths of the fireworks to be his. He will see you
can relax him, he can relax with you, and that when you
are his sexual angel, every mundane aspect of daily life
floats away. He lies back and everything good is done to
him. It’s an interlude—we won’t ask which road he’d
take to Cleveland, or to change the smoke alarms, or
even appreciate us actively. If he asks about the fairness
or says you’re “too good,” set him straight. You are into
him and you never get enough of his penis.
At a certain point it clicks in your partner’s brain that
it’s time to satisfy you, and most times it is, but sometimes
you make him the total receiver. You give him a sexual
massage and then a slow-burn blow job. It’s dynamite…
Ask him!
window. When you step out of the mood and think
of anything—tallying your expense account, making
lunch, even just opening the window or grabbing a
pillow—you feel like you are coming up short, simply
because you are thinking. Sex is the realm of dreams and
magic beyond time, beyond thought. The only exception
is when you don’t give a damn and go through the
motions, but I don’t want to make you sad by recounting
what women tell me about that.
I know this is hormonal in causation. A professor of
physics at a major university told me that during
pregnancy, her mind for higher math shut down complete-
ly. After the birth, it lifted. When I haven’t seen my honey
for a day and I hop into his car and sense we’re going to
play, I feel as though all the skin of my body is smoking dry
ice. We have things to share, we converse, and sometimes,
when I especially want to relay something, being a semi-
conscious tease, he runs his hand up my thigh. I stop mid-
sentence as glorious desire drags me into itself.This is where the advice books that give you sequential
moves are off base. It is much more successful to prepare
your mental attitude. Close your eyes and picture your
boyfriend, lover, or husband as though he were right next
to you. Read the sentence that follows aloud, and then say
it with your eyes closed, in his voice, so you hear it: “I
want to make love to you.” Now close your eyes and say
this other statement in his voice: “Baby, I love you so
much, give me head.”
Notice how gentlemanly the first was and how animal
the second. The man whose fantasies wander to oral sex
shuts down his reason as I do when the man in my life
caresses my thigh. We don’t associate oral sex with love
but with sex because it is “purely sexual.” Nevertheless, it
acts on your love life. If you are new partners, he wants
more of you when you fellate him. If you are newly
married, you assure him that you aren’t going to settle
down into a humdrum routine of sex when you fellate him.
You yield to his fantasies when you give him head.
That keeps him interested and he wants more, whatever
the stage of the relationship. Men say it’s more pleasing
than normal intercourse—though they want the
repertoire. Go figure. Fellatio even has no biological
function. Maybe that’s why!
Now close your eyes and answer him. You might say,
“Baby, I love you too, and I’m going to suck your cock as
nobody else ever did or could.” Then pinch your nipples
ultimate guide to oral sex
140and feel the heat rise between your legs. You are on your
way to performing the art of fellatio.
I hope you are wet and excited from casting your
thoughts toward his cock. Your second exercise is fantasy
and masturbation. Kneel by a bed or couch and move
your three fingers around the clitoris, stretching the skin
and imagining it swelling plump and hard. I suggest you
wear boxers or underwear for this, because you do not
orgasm until way after you are ready to do so. Instead,
when the desire to do so becomes irresistible, slow down
and lighten the pressure. Cock your head back and fanta-
size he (or an anonymous dazzling male body) is before
you, thrusting and out of his mind for you. Receive his
shaft into your mouth; shake it around and lengthen the
touch you use to stimulate yourself. The contractions you
begin to feel are his contractions as he ejaculates into
your mobile mouth.
If you stop midway when you masturbate and screen
giving oral sex as you rev up to climax, you will pass out
of the prose of “doing it because he expects it” into the
erotic zone of pleasure, which nobody can fake.
Eventually you’ll adore bringing his penis to heaven with
your mouth and hands. You’ll adore knowing his body in
a way he doesn’t know it himself. You’ll teach him to rub
you this way or that with his leg, or massage circles on
your hand—so as he comes in your mouth, you meet him
with your own orgasm.
school for fantasy
14135
Putting on a Show for
Your Very Visual Guy I n a man’s desert island fantasies, the marooned chick or
native girl doesn’t wear Ralph Lauren. There’s got to be
that wanton touch to quicken the appeal. Dress, comport-
ment, and body posture are in disarray during explosive
sex because that’s essentially what a man wants to see.
The teddy fallen off one shoulder, leaving a breast
exposed, cranks up his libido. Same with a lock of female
hair caught in his armpit! Once the encounter is
engaged, squelch all impulses to be tidy and appear
unruffled. Men surrender to us in sex: their sexual equip-
ment is vulnerable and they’re about to relinquish sperm.
The rules of the game say we have to give up some of that
power we gain.
You put on a physical/technical show that shows off
your best points—don’t pretend you forgot! It also shows
you are insatiable. This gives him the message that the
next time will be even better.k Show outside what you feel inside—wave after wave
building up to crash onto the beach and explode into
consciousness. Feel that stairway to heaven you take
him up. Sense your own body primed with excitement.
Acknowledge your confidence and pride, even
triumph. You can have an orgasm when fellating only
if you lose your fear of showing frenzy. Feel that under-
current of frustration that is appropriate as you give the
gift. Let it taunt and excite you, and show him. This
may mean thrashing all over or rubbing your vulva
against his leg or even bucking and having a hard time
keeping his dick in your mouth because you’re over the
top. Whatever the stimulation, shout it out with your
body! It’s not seeing a naked woman that stimulates
and melts him, it’s seeing you.
k Outside, show the dèsordrement des sens, the disorder-
ing of the senses. It’s natural to show a man with
panting, coos, moans, and the occasional word that
you are “into it.” To do this as you give head, when
your mouth is so busy, takes creativity; and your
aroused body inspires the man to please you more.
(Somewhere in that selfish male brain, he too thinks
that to give is greater than to receive.)
k Your moves (some will come naturally, some take a bit
of practice) are as follows:
ultimate guide to oral sex
1441. Squirm. Pretend you are a belly dancer and wriggle
your midsection and hips.
2. Roll your head and/or eyes, like a drunk or a faint-
ing person.
3. Shift your orientation to the penis as if you cannot
resist getting a different angle on it, visually and
physically. This means planting your arms, hands,
and feet any place around his body without plop-
ping smack on his legs or abdomen.
4. Cock up your buttocks provocatively. Do this with
a pelvic movement that is slow and graceful, and
then other times jerky.
5. Lie to one side of him, guiding his penis into your
mouth with your left hand (you won’t be able to get
it in far, but some men like the sensation of a slight
bend). Do expressive lifts with your leg that’s on
top. Let your toes show how happy they are to be in
bed with him!
6. Mimic his thrusts with your entire body. Lie on top,
your legs touching and between his legs. Place your
hands flat to either side of his groin. Holding him
in your mouth with your tongue as a kind of anchor,
rock backwards almost to your calves, and forward
until your arms angle ninety degrees to the bed or
ground. Rocking forward suggests his thrust into
your vagina.
putting on a show for your very visual guy
1457. Rub the penis between your breasts. Some breasts
the penis can bury in, others have nipples that can
peer up at him, still others can nuzzle him. The
point is that all of our different breasts put on a sell-
out show.
He is fascinated as he watches, and it translates to
how special he feels about this encounter—a magical
continuum of trust, love, and wanton sex. Even if he
appears not to focus as he enjoys what you are perform-
ing on him, he sees!
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14636
Awaken His Sex Drive
to the Fullest I f you like to give great blow jobs, I know you have a
generous spirit and care a great deal about the well-
being of the man you love. Also, you like to exert your
womanly power. As you learn more about his body and
his sex urges, you’re going to expand your beneficence to
the point of magic. Here we’re experimenting not with
mere G-spots, but probing, telltale points of his sexual
system even deeper, which relate to the functioning of
his whole being. Just prolonging the delicious heights of
passion can be new.
Doing something that’s beyond intuitive for your
man is like fitting a hand in a glove. See how truly amaz-
ing it is when you bring in yet another part of the
orchestra of your talents to the sexual encounter—one
that is virtually new to him—no matter if he’s had a lot
of sexual experience or not.You can study the scientific underpinnings of the
reflex points related to the penis and testicles in the
health science of reflexology. I have developed my own
constellation of star points by relying on a classic book,
Body Reflexology, by Mildred Carter and Tammy Weber,
who are revered practitioners. Either when you massage
your partner as part of your gift or during the act, relate
very simply to his body reflexes to stimulate his sexual
activity—and increase his pleasure in the moment. In
intercourse we leave little space overall to explore our
lover here and there, whereas during a blow job you can
position your hands to touch and massage these spots
easily. Additionally, perhaps there is a certain attitude
implicit in this sexual experience which lends itself to
introducing a bit of therapy.
Try them out by working them into your lovemaking.
Note that the names are just my operational nicknames
for real reflex points of the male endocrine system, which
you can study in texts like Body Reflexology.
1. Bottom Button: Press on the sex reflex point about
a width of a hand below the navel. Mildred Carter
says to massage the area “rather hard for a count of
three.” I knead back and forth as he thrusts.
2. Sock Point: On the inside of his leg, about a hand’s
width above the ankle, is a reflex directly related to
his gonads (testes). Massage it with the thumb. If
ultimate guide to oral sex
148it’s sore, Carter says to be gentle for the first few
weeks you do this. I do this endlessly when his legs
are near.
3. Centurion Thigh Point: About three inches above
the knee, on the soft area on the outside of the
knee, is another tender reflex. During oral sex our
hands often naturally gravitate here.
4. Hermes’ Wing: Located on the outside of each foot
below the ankle. (It’s okay if he feels a sharp sensa-
tion, because it feels good afterwards.)
5. At the top of his head, massage circles so you
actually move the skin around. This is a highly
neglected key point of sexual activity which feels
weird until you find it and see the contact make
him groan. You are, however, more likely to have
access to it when he goes down on you than vice
versa.
6. Press your middle finger (called the fire finger
because it sends out the strongest energy) in the
middle of the forehead just below the hair line.
Move the skin down to the bridge of the nose and
back up in a rolling motion. This also benefits the
male endocrine system.
7. Press the “gonad” reflexes just below the nose, and
straight down just above the bulge of the chin.
awaken his sex drive to the fullest
149From potency and performance to feeling chipper and
reading that map, sex and happiness seem to be one ball
of wax for the most lovable guys, with us able to keep
them happy on the deepest physical level. You can ener-
gize a man and stimulate his sexual system as you delight
him with oral sex. Please think of this as for both before
and while you fondle, suck on, and receive his penis.
Your awareness of these male reflex points means you can
now drive him wild, with a huge bonus of fostering his
sexual health. I recommend them unconditionally!
ultimate guide to oral sex
15037
Digressions Y ou can make a digression from oral sex to other
ingenious play. Your partner may like to stick it in
your ear, between your thighs, in your cleavage, in the
curve under a breast, and under your armpits.
In sex, most everything seems strange until you do it.
I certainly did not expect ever to find a penis in my ear.
When I did, the sensation of it thrusting there was an
arousing tickle. Moreover, I had the big, strong leg of a
very attractive lacrosse player over my chest. The fear-
inspired scenario, where he would gush come into my ear
(and probably make me deaf) seemed silly now that we
were wrapped in each other’s bodies, having fun.
Francesca is tall, has long legs, a big chest, and
athletic thighs. She is lovely and in proportion, but if
you isolate the thighs they are very simply “big.” She
says that her fiancé spends considerable time literally
between them, as she rolls and squeezes his manly part.
She calls it “sex without borders.” If you have thought
more about concealing your thighs than making love withthem, use Francesca as your model. Massage a nice lotion
into your thighs and see how sexily prepared they feel.
k Start out with dry friction against your body, and then
remove him to your mouth. You can also use a digres-
sion to cool your partner down at half-time.
k Even running his thing over your nipples can be
wonderful. You are saying, “Oh, I did that.” But did
you do it last night?
k Another idea that is soothing as well as a surprise for
him is if you place him on your sex, and instead of his
entering you, you put your labia around him like a
mink stole for a brief moment.
k The anus is another alternative to your mouth, which
sex manuals have a lot of advice on. I find their tone
apologetic. It’s okay with me if a penis strays to the
anal area, but to really go at it there burns and stings.
I see it from the man’s potential point of view: a tight
opening, go for it. However, from our view, anal sex
can lead to an internal rupture of our walls and it does
not position us to a likely climax. In anal sex, pain
can cut through the experience, and that’s not some-
thing anyone wants.
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15238
When He’s Dessert Y ou can actually drizzle anything you’d like to lick
off of a penis during oral sex: honey, chocolate
sauce, thinned decorator’s icing, whatever. Just make sure
that whatever you put on has been licked off completely
before intercourse, if that’s next on the menu. Flavored
and sugar-containing lickables are often poor substances
to get into the vagina.
k There is the use of lubes on the penis (or on the
condom) too. There are plenty of such flavored lubes
available on the more classy websites, such as Good
Vibrations. Search for “flavored” and “lickable” for
many options.
k Real foods are smooth, creamy, affordable, and fun. If
you use a food product, get the good brand. Buy a
fancy one in a nice jar.
k Champagne is my longstanding favorite. It should not
be chilled too coldly, however. Put the champagne in
your mouth first and dribble it. In French, efferves-
cent is pétillant, that means it makes you quicken,ultimate guide to oral sex
154
which I think describes perfectly a splash of cham-
pagne anointing a penis. A similar effervescence is
achieved by putting an Alka-Seltzer in your mouth
with a cold liquid—a gentle and great sensation for
the guy inside.
k Also from the liquor cabinet, you can make a piña
colada. Get the Coco Goya mix. It is creamy and the
pineapple makes it oily so it glides. You can start with
an ice chip in your mouth for the full effect. Pour the
mix over him and spread some coconut. Top him with
a cherry anywhere it will sit. This is clearly adaptable
for oral sex in the reverse (him to you); where the ice
goes differs.
k I don’t care for the proverbial peanut butter on his
trunk. If it gives you and him chuckles, I am told, for
oral sex Jiffy Creamy peanut butter is best. I also hear
raves for extra virgin light olive oil, ice sherbet, and
pear butter. I’ll lick off a tablespoon of warm maple
syrup with delectation, the other information I just
pass on to you.
k Whatever you put in a bowl you can use. My friend
Marty, who does sexual things that sometimes make
me gasp, takes the lead again with some unexpected
contents of that bowl. She claims to have immersed
guys in Cheese Doodles to lick off the golden dust
for hours. You turn the bag upside down, and whilepinching the bottom, you crunch with your available
fingers. His penis turns golden orange, as the micro
bits of Cheese Doodles adorn him. It’s definitely a
project! She overturns tubs of edibles on her hus-
band’s rod. One really nice one of my own invention:
during a blow job you take a tub of Fluffernut and
turn it upside down. Put the jar over him, don’t just
stick it on him. He has to have a hard-on. Make sure
the penis is really covered, not like with Hershey’s
syrup or honey. Think layered. You can dress it up
with chocolate or strawberry syrup. It’s pretty, too. It’s
for when you are close enough to have fun with him!
k For her husband’s thirty-fifth birthday, Marty made a
double batch of frosting and wrote birthday wishes on
his belly and below. Once he was erect, she stood can-
dles around him, lit them, and blew them out as she
nibbled up the icing.
k Motion lotion, sold on websites for sexual goodies,
turns hot when you blow on it. Put it anywhere. Either
you blow gently on it as per the instructions or it’s
there when you touch or rub to increase his arousal.
Motion lotions are good in that they are made to put
in your mouth. You sometimes taste massage oil that’s
been absorbed in his skin, but this stuff makes you
want to really lick.
when he’s dessert
155k A lot of picnicking on your guy is messy. You may
enjoy the dereliction of it or see it as just a mess. If
it doesn’t grab you today, think of it at a later date,
for instance when there are no small children with
the extra housekeeping they bring to your life. If you
do have him for dessert, be creative and put your
emotions and passions into it. He can tell if you
really dig it.
The Sexy Way to Wash
Who gets the wet spot? This can upset two insomniac
bedmates, especially on a chilly night. When you give
your partner a blow job out somewhere, you are glad just
for a jacket to rest your knees and a tissue to wipe up; but
if you have the luxury of the bedroom, definitely equip
yourself with a source of warm or hot thin towels and
washcloths, which are a boon for daily sex as well as wild
sex feasts, to deal with the wet spots.
k A towel or washcloth will be fine, so long as it is thin
and absorbent, relatively small, and not the terry
kind—those are better to wrap up in after a bath.
k Beforehand, you can surprise him by using a hot
towel on his feet. Massage his ankles and go between
his toes. You can make a surprise detour to his dick as
well. (Because of the towel, it won’t tickle.) It’s often
recommended you wash the uncircumcised man,
ultimate guide to oral sex
156suggesting maybe some of the dust you’re kicking up
got caught there, but I’ve never seen a practical need.
k Midway, if you are both sweaty, instead of liking it or
pretending you do, swab a towel on his brow and/or
over his midsection.
k Aprés-sex is lazy when you’re lying there in bliss. Does
it break the mood to go wash (and possibly get more
towels)? I think a discreet trip to the bathroom works
right into the mood.
k The Ablutions: Hand washing, face washing with a
cleanser all over, dabbing on an astringent of witch
hazel, gargling with antiseptic mouthwash—I timed
it; you can be back in the sack in one hundred
seconds. When I go, I leave my naked lover dozing in
the candlelight and come back feeling deliciously
clean, with him none the wiser!
k If your exploration of his erogenous zones has taken
you to the sensitive area around his anus, unless you
use a barrier from a sex shop, you can easily remove
any bacteria by washing your face, brushing your
tongue, and using mouthwash. If your skin breaks out
from this or any other element of the blow job (it
could just be his shaft on your cheek), put on a light
film of Neosporin anywhere there was contact. (Now
we’re up to two minutes.)
when he’s dessert
157k In intimacy we make our own cherished rituals. I
return with a hot wet towel and a soft dry towel that
we apply together to wash him. This feels vaguely
biblical and very nice. Now, you and he may like to
cleave, or you can tuck him in with a quilt up to his
chest or mid-back, and be a little separate as you have
your own afterglow and you let him doze or fall asleep.
k If you swallow, there’s no stickiness. However, I know
a lot of women who insist that isn’t happening. If so,
I recommend you catch the semen in your mouth and
eject it in a towel or the sink; otherwise you can have
quite a mess from that one to two teaspoons of come
as it squirts everywhere.
k When you rub and stroke him with a warm towel,
study the places his skin leaps to your touch.
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15839
Sweet Surrender H elplessness can be exciting. If you want to blow his
mind, slip a blindfold on him and tell him to lie
back and enjoy. Then touch him in unpredictable ways—
a lick on the chest, a pinch of the inner thigh, a tweak of
the nipple. Alter your blow job routine so he doesn’t
know what’s next and he’ll be squirming in delight.
k Before heading into something where he is tied down,
make sure he wants to do this, and ask him for a word
that would let you know that something hurts. That
way if he does struggle hard against his restraints and
pulls a muscle or hurts a wrist or ankle or just plain
panics, you know to stop and free him. If you’re think-
ing of tying him to something else, or even just tying
his wrists together, be sure to get safe restraints. Don’t
use handcuffs or scarves because if he does pull against
the restraints at all, he could end up with serious
tendon damage. Find some soft rope that’s intended
for bondage, or go to a sex shop and get some safe
restraints. You don’t have to spend a fortune, but youwant something that is at least one and a half to two
inches wide, and that won’t tighten down or cut into
the skin if he moves around in his excitement.
k What to tie him to? If you don’t have a headboard and
footboard, then you can put a broom or two between
the mattress and box spring and tie him to that. Many
restraints come with long tethers so you can tie them
directly to something.
k Once he can’t move, you can do anything you want.
Tease him, caress him, and then make him crazy with
your skillful pleasuring. Being bound can be quite
arousing to some, so don’t be surprised if he’s more
aroused than usual. Be playful and unpredictable, and
try some new ways of touching him. Bring out your
feather boa, something hot and something cold,
something prickly and something soft. Tickle him
gently (only if tickling is something that he likes in a
“no/yes” sort of way), then back off altogether and
make him wonder when you’re going to touch him
next. The idea is to take advantage of the fact that he
cannot control anything, and make that fun and
exciting to both of you. By the time you get down to
some serious pleasuring, he’ll be so intensely aroused
he might even achieve an altered state of mind!
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Sex Toys and Oral Sex W e don’t instantly think of sex toys with oral sex,
which makes it all the more fascinating. To get it
down just right, I went to a brilliant sexologist, Carol
Queen, who has advised at the Good Vibrations
company for fifteen years. You’ll be wowed by Carol’s
expertise, and find the possibilities in the sex toy chest
an eye-opener. Good Vibrations was founded with a
mission of education as well as sales. Compared with the
gobbledygook written on this subject, we can truly
appreciate Carol’s authority and plain speaking. Carol
Queen says:
“There are two easy ways to pep up oral sex by adding
toys. First, you can explore the world of cock rings (on
the Good Vibrations website, search ‘ring’). There are
two basic kinds: vibrating rings, which can be positioned
anywhere on the shaft, and which vibrate either at one
speed or at varying strengths; and the more traditional
cock ring, which works best when it’s positioned beneath
the testicles, right against the body wall.“Let me talk about the non-vibrating style first. The
cock ring works something like a tourniquet, though you
don’t wear it that tightly. It gives a mild-to-medium-
strength squeeze at the very base of the penis, the way
you could do with your thumb and fingers. This feels
good to many men, plus it keeps the blood in the penis
and makes a man’s erection firmer, and may even make it
last longer than usual. Cock rings may also feel a bit like
bondage to a guy, which some men like, and others do
not. (You can find very bondagey rings with scary names
such as ‘Gates of Hell,’ but these obstruct the shaft of the
penis, and would likely make it harder, not easier, to give
oral sex.) One ring style, the Double Crown, has separate
straps for the testicles. Besides being a bit like bondage as
well, this has a particular physiological effect: because
men’s testicles generally elevate right before ejaculation,
this style of ring might prevent a guy from coming as
soon as he usually does.
“Another word about rings and sensation change:
most of us know the erection is generated by blood flow-
ing into the penis, but it’s not as clearly understood that
the increased blood flow also helps increase sensation. So
cock rings can do a great thing; they can help an erection
last longer and simultaneously encourage heightened
sensation. That’s why cock ring fans use them. (They
used to be in even more common use before Viagra.)
ultimate guide to oral sex
162“Now, back to rings that vibrate. These were actually
designed to give extra clitoral stimulation to a woman
during intercourse. It’s like using any vibrator, except the
ring is connected to the penis rather than held by hand.
When the ring is being used primarily for the sensation of
the man, you can use it at the base, as a no-hands vibrator;
you can even use it up toward the corona, which will be
more sensitive to vibration than the lower shaft. (The head
of the penis is most comparable to the clitoris, and if clits
love vibrators, cockheads might well love them too!)
“When you put a vibe up at the coronal ridge and
then perform oral sex, you’ll probably lavish pretty much
all your attention on the head; not every woman will
want to stretch her mouth over a buzzing toy.
“There is a vibrator designed to fit on the tongue,
either via a tongue piercing or with a rubber band. This
is a tiny toy ideally sized to allow more active oral sex,
that incorporates vibration. Good Vibes doesn’t sell this
particular product, however. We are concerned that dur-
ing the wet, movement-filled activity that is a good blow
job, the tiny vibrator might come off the tongue and pose
a hazard. (A safer way to do a similar kind of play would
be placing a tiny vibrator, like the Itty Bitty vibe, into a
condom, and placing the condom over the penis. Note
that you’ll be putting your mouth over a buzzing object
made of hard plastic, so watch your teeth! It might feel
sex toys and oral sex
163odd to you, but it’s likely to feel pretty amazing to him.)
“You can also use a small, hand-held vibrator to vary
the sensations during oral play. Go from mouth, to vibra-
tor, and back again. Any hand-held vibrator can be used
this way, and is a great surprise for many men, since lots
of men think of vibrators as toys that women use, and
have never tried one before.
“Finally, some men like play with dildos and anal
plugs, and oral sex that incorporates use of these toys will
be very intense and pleasurable for such men. Note that
every material besides silicone and non-porous materials
like Lucite will require condom coverage for best results
and easy cleaning. Note too that you’ll need lube for any
anal play, and make sure that lube isn’t coming into con-
tact with your lips when you go down...
“Speaking of condoms: Most people don’t think of
condoms as a sex toy, but if you do begin to think about
the sensation of using them, and let yourself get playful,
condoms will seem more sexy. To make condoms sexier
during oral sex (and every other time), put lube into the
tip of the condom before putting it on the man’s penis.
Three or four drops are enough for intercourse; for oral
sex, because you’ll have your hands available to keep the
condom from sliding off, you can use more if you like.
The lube will allow more slipperiness of the condom on
the cockhead, and with it more sensation.”
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Prolonging the Pleasure S ome guys are sensitive. No, I don’t mean in the emo-
tional sense (though some guys are sensitive that way
too), but in that “you touch my penis, I come almost
immediately” sense. Fellatio can be even more exciting,
giving you no time to really make love to his penis.
While he has to do most of the work when it comes to
learning how to extend his arousal without coming
quickly, you are in a position to provide some helpful
intervention.
If you know your man is quick on the draw, Ellen
Barnard recommends several things the two of you can
do to set up your blow job to be longer and more
interesting. First, encourage him to masturbate to orgasm
once, either before you are planning on some sex play
together or right there in front of you. Then you can start
your touching, teasing, and pleasuring, and he will be
much less sensitive. Ellen calls this the “come and come
again” method. The up side is that you get a lot of time
to play and enjoy his body. The down side is that it mighttake him quite awhile to recover and be able to come
again if he masturbates right there before the two of you
start your mutual play, so be ready to use all your tricks so
your jaw doesn’t get too tired.
The other way you can work with him is to learn
when he is getting to that “I’m gonna blow” point and
press hard on his perineum. It relaxes his pelvic floor,
which in turn slows down his arousal so he doesn’t come.
It doesn’t hurt and you’re in the perfect position to reach
back and push when he needs your help. If you’re not so
sure you want to press hard on a sensitive part of his body,
just back off and stop touching his penis. Start playing
with his balls, or stroking his thighs, or just give him a
hug until he relaxes and pulls back from that “almost
there” spot. Then start pleasuring him more directly
again. Do this several times, and then let him come. His
orgasm will be stronger and he’ll be starting to learn how
to enjoy pleasure for a much longer time.
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If Your Baby Goes
Baby-Soft “I f he goes soft, it is part of his sexual cycle.” I have
read this in several sex manuals. Not in my book! He
may go from hard-hard to just stiff, but if a man’s penis
goes in and out of soft he’s got a problem—even if just for
tonight.
Let me guess. His boss fired him. He failed statistics
or chemistry. His mother told him he is cruel to her. He
is cheating on his wife or girlfriend. The last woman in
his life told him he has a small penis or had no sexual
savoir-faire. Women mess guys up, even destroy their
manhood, and men can be emasculated by what goes on
in the career zone. (We can be emasculated too, but our
feminine responsiveness is still up and running, only
more so. If things are bad at work we could wear a lapel
button that says “Please hug.”)
The other reason he goes soft is discomfort with the
environment. The phone may ring and merely interferewith your stellar lovemaking, but if the baby with a fever
wakes up howling in the next room, or your teenager
screeches in the drive, or three successive phone calls
ring out like bugles, he gets out of the moment and may
go soft.
If he gets soft out of guilt, you learn the pull of that
last relationship, which he declared history. If he gets
soft because he’s intoxicated or high, you learn that his
substance governs him and he needs substance abuse
treatment. For any other reason when his erection flails,
it’s your chance to save his male honor and restore his
sex organ to a beautiful, fully functioning state.
The solution starts with you. Think about something
else that attracts you and kiss it. Do not look his impo-
tence in the eye any more than you’d stare down an
attack dog. Remember that hard and soft are mental, and
you want to restore confidence to the man-sword.
k Caress other parts of him to show him you’re still into
it. Massage (not rhythmic, just stroke) up and inward
from the perineum to the penis. If you ring the base of
the penis with light, warm pressure, it becomes more
rigid. If you’ve been snoozing on the job, speed up.
Experiment with more manual vigor. He’ll take your
hand away if it hurts.
k By the same token, if you were going fast, slow down.
You’ll feel inclined to speed up as though you’re
ultimate guide to oral sex
168cranking up a Model-T Ford, but that only increases
his nerves. Slowly caress his chest or forearms and get
your bearings. Then, starting at his ankles, squeeze up
his legs with massage, ending inside his thighs where
the squeezes become more like puffs using your
fingers. His flag has gone down, but he’s still in a
sexualized state which you can augment.
k A bit of a show is really effective with some guys:
staccato sucking down on the corona with a sort of
staccato kiss, gyrating your hips, and sticking out your
butt. This registers like a cute pony stamping its foot.
k Press your thumbs into him, slightly in front of his hip
bones and up two inches. Be casual—why should he
realize you are applying Eastern medicine?
k Now you can return to the penis. It may look DOA,
but his libido is only playing hide-and-seek. Whip
your tongue tenderly on the glans, and then quickly,
as if you haven’t cognized he’s soft, fit your mouth
over it. Instead of applying pressure to the shaft as you
normally would, fix your mouth down at the base.
Roll him around, touching the glans and shaft as lit-
tle as possible until you feel signs of life. His penis will
automatically seek more, and as the blood circulates
in it, he will regain hardness. Hold the penis in your
mouth, and as you swirl around it with your tongue
and lips, tell it you still love it!
if your baby goes baby-soft
169k You may play with other parts of his body, and fiddle
him against your mons or between your breasts. If you
go to his back door with your tongue, he’ll see right
through to your desperation. However, you can
tongue between his balls and the penis, and use your
fingers like raindrops where thigh meets leg. Just
remember, don’t look, don’t focus on his being soft,
work the base with your mouth and don’t give up.
k A final note: We’re talking about what to do if he goes
soft-soft. While you give oral sex, you will find most
men lie back in ecstasy with a full erection, but not
the rigid, turgid erection that signals the final stage
before ejaculation. They want to prolong the fun.
People who have one loving partner to communicate
all their trials, fears, and hopes to for thirty years can
have the man get soft and pay no heed. When it happens
to a man with me, though, I feel its impact on his ego
and I deal with it. I strongly recommend you rectify this
condition rather than shrug it off. It is so gratifying to be
the cause of a resurrection.
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The After-Blow W hat is past prologue? Do you want to continue sex
play and intercourse? Chances are he can become
erect again. Not only does fellatio create a mega-orgasm,
but a man is also more inclined to bounce back for round
two than if it had been intercourse. First of all, he has
laid back and let you do the work. Secondly, the sucking
action made it so he didn’t have to propel as much.
Third, he relishes variety, which can put him right back
in the game.
k If oral sex is the finale, this is a sweet moment. Hold
his shaft in your palm and roll it between your fore-
finger and thumb.
k He may want you to get every drop or move off him
lickety-split. Be sensitive to his desires. Some men
like you to fade out like music, in which case the best
approach is to keep him in your mouth and suck high
on the shaft, but not on the sensitive head. Then you
can inhale his taste so he knows how much you liked
fellating him. If you slump with fatigue he will thinkthat you had trouble waiting for him to reach the
pinnacle, and that you were racing to the edge. On
the other hand, if you trifle with his hips, sidle up to
him, or slide around his torso, or brush his mouth with
light kisses, the message is that you adore him.
k Cuddle the length of him, aligning your bodies instead
of squeezing him. His body is sensitized and relaxing.
He’s a little dazed. I think of him as semi-hypnotized
inside a shining glass box of sensation. Don’t destroy
your handiwork by demanding he be present.
k Pillow talk after fellatio is brush-stroked. Say what-
ever you wish, but don’t expect sustained conversation,
maybe just a heartfelt wow. Sex is not a break in
chitchat. He feels temporarily passive, which is in
contrast to the woman, whose mental faculties are
exceptionally keen post-orgasm.
k Dr. Knox says, “All the details won’t matter much
now. The guy will be in heavenly pleasure. As long as
she gave him a loving suck and used her hands, the
rest doesn’t matter. He’s smiling.”
k Sometimes you bathe together. Use an elegant, herbal
bath by Caswell-Massey or Kneipp. Throw in some
bath salts and you won’t have to clean the tub.
Luxuriate. Soap his genitals. The warmth of the water
re-inflates his being and harmonizes the space each of
you is in.
ultimate guide to oral sex
172Section Five
Oral Sex and Love
sweet surrender“Love is a game that two can play
and both win.”
—Eva Gabor44
Vicarious Vixens M en often describe my combination of being classy
and yet gritty as what attracts them. I think of it
like the perfumer’s art—you want to be sweet but spicy,
and have refrains that arouse the senses after the first
note disappears. This is fine, but like everything, it’s a
matter of proportion. This year I am getting remarried
(I’ve found a great love). Trust me, as I look back on a
life full of sex with a range of glamorous men and out-
standing studs, I could do with a few less memories of
true grit. I value every time I had the kind of sex that was
shot through with rays of love and a promise of nice
things to come. Fucking gave me a PhD in sexual tech-
nique, but it leaves everything to be desired as a pattern
of behavior. The same infamous Linda Lovelace who
wrote what a ball she was having at twenty-one in Inside
Linda Lovelace, utterly changed her tune later and con-
fessed to having been fucked up by her truculent, careless
sexual sporting.With sex comes emotions, even though we can shut
them down for sheer fun in the moment. You don’t want to
get emotionally churned up about sexual partners who are
not worth it. Few of us are invested in saving our virginity
today, but to “save yourself” for a destined life-partner still
makes sense. If Carl Jung taught us anything, it’s that as
women, our feelings naturally are more active than men’s.
A man can act callously when his feeling nature is asleep.
He can lust after you when he is indifferent to you as a
whole person. You are more likely to sense when sex is love;
a man may miss the point. I see young women walk away
desolate or numb from the same promiscuity that is the
equivalent of adolescent horseplay for guys. I tell them,
“For the relationship to get to him in a big way, and to be
faithful to him, you need to go through the levels of sex to
the unique, sublime, and almost death-defying.”
When I introduced Bill, a very handsome cartoon
animator I was sleeping with, to a friend who is a Jesuit
priest, Father Joseph said, “I don’t know, Jane. Some men
are only men from the waist down.” I gasped—could he
mean Bill? Father Joseph certainly picked up on something.
Bill soon revealed he was already engaged to a woman in
Canada. Not that he was a bad person, he just led with his
dick. You want to give your body and your heart to the man
with the best intentions, knowing that he will keep them
both safe. Bring out the stud in the good guy.
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Superglue I sak Dinesen, the Danish writer, put these words in her
character’s mouth in the film Out of Africa: “When you
have sex, nature intends you think about now: cleaving,
climaxing, and procreating.” It’s our easy opportunity to
live in the moment and get to that radiant contentment
the prophets of religion extol. The opportunity to be
happy forever, experience the chemistry with your
partner, and feel the love bond that only gets stronger
allows each person to feel whole and free.
Once you find a good man, and an exciting, nurtur-
ing rapport, you stick with it. A magazine once assigned
me to write on the secret recipe of happy couples. Lois
Gunsberg, the wife of the then-president of Walter
Reade Cinemas, told me how simple it was that she and
her husband had an enviable romance after twenty-five
years of marriage:
“Anything you do for the other person you do for
yourself.”Don’t make him jealous, don’t worry if he goes to
Vegas with his friends, or feel guilty if you are a little
attracted to a guy at your business conference. Don’t
worry if you overcook the pasta, shrink his sweater in
the dryer, or don’t warm immediately to his sister. Act
intelligently. Bring the special man who appreciates you
a joy to permeate his whole being. Give him one night
to remember after another with full-throttle oral sex.
When you drive him wild it reflects caring and joy on
you. He and you will cleave together in such a way that
you won’t ever have to “move on.”
Giving great head is not for the one-night stand—
why waste it if you are just going to walk away? It is for
the long haul, when you care so much to perform on your
partner better, better, best. Being supportive of each
other, living the passion, and performance in bed are the
three vertices of the Great Love Triangle. Attend to your
performance by utilizing simple moves and advance into
a very preferred female position of sexual power; the good
kind! You learn to put a man into an utterly relaxed,
receptive state of body and mind. You learn to give a
man’s penis adoration.
ultimate guide to oral sex
178You Have to Think for Two
(Hey, What’s New?)
Women want to know if they are good at giving oral sex
and how to give more pleasure through this intimate act.
Men want to know if they could have more satisfaction,
how to ask for it, and what they can do so a woman
enjoys giving fellatio as much as they enjoy receiving it.
A sexual tune-up goes with a man’s keen curiosity, exper-
imental wishes, and desire to fulfill us. Couples thrive
when they progress in their pleasures.
When you give a man oral sex, you and he both get to
know his body, his unique responses, his true ardor.
Sexual counselors say to communicate verbally, but in
my experience that is hoping for a pot of gold at the end
of a rainbow. His dick can do all the talking to you if you
look and listen to what it says.
What the romances have right is that men love us to
touch and shower affection on their penises. You are
assured of your success in this course; you can go ahead
and educate your touch at your own pace.
superglue
17946
The Spectrum of
Lovemaking I t’s a shame when “giving head” creates a snicker, or
has a superficial association with pathetic teenagers.
Oral sex varies from intricate to playful, an act that can
be more than just satisfying lovemaking.
True Love Test
There’s glory in performing great oral sex on a man you
truly love. Did you realize that many men consider oral
sex more intimate than intercourse? To me that is proof
that if you’re into the act, you touch hearts. Oral sex
can be as a test of authentic love. Because you have a
physical distance, body to body, there’s a detachment
from your partner, as your sexual modalities are
complimentary but different as one of you gives the
other oral sex. And then there is the fact of his amazing
lingam. Your orientation tends to be more objective all-
round.Every single time you do it you can get an indicator
inside yourself of whether you truly love and cherish him.
Even if you love a man, I’m warning you not to give him
oral sex when you’re angry, preoccupied, or overwrought.
Open your legs in dreary acquiescence if you will. Yes, it
is conceivable to “put out” while feeling indifferent. You
can fantasize or screen your own X-rated movie. But
don’t you want the stars to shine brighter, your hearts to
quicken when you have sex? Then do not put your
mouth on him; the active physical giving to someone
you’re steaming at (not steamy about) will leave a bitter
aftertaste! Oral sex evolves magically on both sides with-
in a sexually demonstrative couple.
For most of us, monogamy, with its devotion and
companionship, is an ideal. Yet all signs point to the fact
that monogamy can easily be monotonous. A committed
couple needs variety. Oral sex offers endless variety.
When a man of substance dumps his wife, she often
confesses, “I did more than my fair share of the house-
work, child care, and paying off the mortgage. I took care
of his needs and he betrayed me!” She never says, “And
I gave him everything he wanted in bed.” If she did, he’s
probably wishing he could come home right now!
If a grown woman is dating someone special, and
things heat up and they land in bed, she’s going to hope
she’s a great lay. Her skill at sex is part of what she offers
ultimate guide to oral sex
182a new man. This sounds crass until you admit it’s natural
to want to knock a guy’s socks off in the sexual arena. It’s
as wholesome as hanging a Marilyn Monroe calendar in
your kitchen or shopping at Victoria’s Secret for seduc-
tive lingerie to be a femme fatale.
Stop Keeping Score, Keep Love
Please, get over the idea that everything in sex has to be
even! Your gift of oral sex to a man you love becomes an
intense pleasure when you stop keeping score. Remember
that in letting you touch, tease, stroke, and work into a
lather his most prized possession, he is giving you his
trust. Receiving fellatio is ceding control to you, and that
pokes a hole in the non-committing, withholding male.
The Keys to the Kingdom
Intercourse is related to conception—a subtext to
coupling. By contrast, oral sex is exclusively about
having fun—it’s intoxicating play. It activates in a man
a unique, primal set of feelings that swing from lust to
affection and back, and exerts an extremely powerful
pull on his libido. I live in a town that’s crawling with
pleasant-enough stockbrokers and gorgeous women.
Through sports—a running club and weightlifting at the
YMCA—I converse with local guys with whom I would
otherwise have a mere nodding acquaintance. Men are
the spectrum of lovemaking
183very generalized and jokey when they talk of sex except
during active sports. If you want information on their
sentiments (as opposed to stats on their favorite team,
computer and auto prices), you tune in while their
testosterone is highest and they disclose much more.
Anyway, these late 20s to 60s virile guys, married or
bachelors, become ecstatic and practically blush when
there is an allusion to a woman performing oral sex. It’s
as though a switch is flicked on that makes the model
train race around the track. Somebody’s onto their
favorite act on their favorite part. Probably no seduction
is complete without pleasuring the man with your
mouth. I believe this basic sexual act will bring a man
around to adore you.
Freud was clear on this subject: The experience of
your touching his sex without the whole impregnation
issue goes back to his baby-boy self-admiration for having
such an eye-catching, versatile toy. He loves that you
love it!
Once you master the art of oral sex, you can forget all
the gymnastic positions of the Kama Sutra. Oral sex
melts men. A man will practically become addicted to a
woman who gives great oral sex. Your mouth on his penis
brings him incomparable excitement. When you perform
oral sex expertly, you command a world of boundless
pleasure.
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18447
It’s Just for Him Y ou participate in his pleasure. When you are impa-
tient and can’t wait to see someone receive a pres-
ent, that’s a pleasure. I know a rich man who wrote
many big birthday checks. His judgment was admired by
everyone in business, and he was also praised for giving
what people “most wanted.” Yet he didn’t take pleasure
in giving—it was all a chore. If our friend puts thought
into the wrapping of a small gift, we feel special when we
receive it. Giving oral sex is a gift you wrap with
excitement and what connects you together.
Chloe was in graduate school and living with her
fiancé while he was an interning doctor. Money was tight;
to be able to go out, Jeff began to donate sperm at a
fertility clinic. He was paid $500 each time and was per-
mitted by the rules of the clinic to give only so many
times a year. The problem for Chloe and Jeff was that he
felt so exhausted when he came home he fell into bed.
They had virtually no sex life. The time came to ejaculate
sperm, but when he sat on the toilet seat with a girliemagazine, he dozed off with his head between his legs.
Chloe gave him oral sex to assist, then she put a coat over
her nightgown and ran the sample to the lab.
“I understood about his being generally too tired for
sex,” recalls Chloe. “I was happy to give him oral sex
because I knew we’d go out for a good dinner, relax, and
be loving together; but jumping up after going down on
him is the worst experience we’ve ever had. The coldness
stabbed me in my heart.”
So a cold fellatio is not what I mean when I say oral
sex is just for him. You have to conclude in an intimate
mood. If you do that, no matter how much you thrive on
a climax, or bunch of climaxes, you will be satisfied.
Even if you haven’t practiced how to climax after his
slight pressure on you, you can feel the direct line of
arousal that is carried from your brain all the way to
your vagina. Roil your mind. Let your sexuality bubble
up and lap out in waves. It breaks through into your cli-
toris. Something shivers inside, and you hold for fifteen
seconds instead of letting the sensation go. Breathe
deeply and reimagine the plumb line as he reaches
orgasm. Seconded by release, your skin tingles, your
pulse escalates, and your vagina throbs. This surge of
stimulation makes you feel at one with your partner,
whereas it’s quite lonely to remain placid.
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18648
The Bonus M y first divorce lawyer, Mark, was a big success in his
field. Mark was handsome, wealthy, and sexy. He
treated me like a queen and was great with my kids. He
had one drawback: he talked constantly. One weekend I
chose going to hear Rod Stewart at Madison Square
Garden (knowing the seats were behind the stage), over
watching Andrew Agassi in Forest Hills. Why? Because
the band would drown out Mark. There was no changing
him, as he boasted that the secret of his success was “I
never stop talking.” He proposed, I hurt him, but oh the
sex! Hours of pleasure. At forty, incredibly deft and virile,
he defied all odds.
When I was going down on Mark, I guess he wasn’t
afraid of conversational competition. He would really
spill the beans—his doubts, hopes, neuroses—then the
oral sex was over, and bing, he sealed himself back into
the mover and shaker, the powerful Manhattanite. The
case of Mark is extreme, but what I sensed was something
very male about talking vulnerably: giving somethingemotional and gratifying to you as you give them some-
thing physically gratifying. An even exchange, of sorts.
Ted, a lover with a body to admire twelve months of the
year, was a top amateur wrestler. He was rife with defenses
that I attribute to his training in that sport. We went to
Miami together and were resting at the edge of a pool when
I reached over teasingly under the water. Whack! He
karate chopped my arm. Defensive! However, he was a very
sweet, sexual titan, with a sterling character as well. Get
this though: Ted, once the fabulous sex was over, didn’t like
to be touched. He’d raise his hands to block me if I feigned
so much as a cuddle. It was a mental thing masked as a skin
thing. In the interludes when I gave Ted oral sex, though,
he let all those walls down and told me how his “great” big
family could push his buttons by expecting him at all
occasions, how people thought he looked like a bouncer
but he got a 3.0 grade point average in college, how it
depressed him when he failed as an MTV dancer. It went
on and on, so long as I went on and on.
How do you elicit this truth telling from your typical
virile guy? How does a man go from mumbling and sigh-
ing to revelations and thoughts that bring the two of you
to a plane of intimacy you can return to? Just keep your
mouth on his phallus and let him blow. It’s better, how-
ever, you keep this knowledge to yourself, and invoke it
blow by blow!
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18849
Oral Brain Sex W omen today hope for men who will be upstanding,
kindhearted, and sensitive. Brain Sex, a ground-
breaking book of the eighties, told us that aspiring to
inculcate a “sensitive” side in guys is asking for too much.
There’s no harm in a society engaging in sensitivity train-
ing for boys, but I see it like ballroom dance classes—it
gives them the footwork, but doesn’t turn them into
dancers. Authors Anne Moir and David Jessel made a
case that the circuitry of the male brain is different from
ours. Men are remote from intimacy; their capacity to
feel tends to be more divorced from their capacity to
articulate, and they are wired for action rather than for
people. This can all be attributed to who they are physi-
cally. What these English authors wrote holds true now,
and for a long time to come: “The language of the male
is more in the vocabulary of action—doing things, shar-
ing activities, and physical courtesies. Holding a door or
carrying in the groceries is not mere social convention, it
is the masculine for ‘I care for you.’”Instead of wringing our hands and giving up on inti-
macy, we can enter the room of a man’s emotions when
he unlocks it, during oral sex. In general, sex has a rich
vocabulary—if we think to use it. I remember when my
brother told me the boys in the neighborhood didn’t
want me, a girl, playing football with them anymore. I
understood boys from playing marbles with them, but
when they went on to football, I realized that by being
thrown off the playing field, I was going to lose touch
with how guys thought. We can get back on the playing
field with a lover only if we speak love’s language loud
and clear.
I’m giving you a sample of the unending vocabulary
you can draw on. Let’s focus on the impressions that
many women of very diverse personalities often want to
alter. With style, we can make him love us even more.
k Does he think you are clingy? Give his body space.
You can do the blow job with a minimalist’s touch of
mouth and hands.
k Does he criticize you, as almost all men tend to, for
being too sensitive? Cut the moans and sighs and just
dazzle him with your deftness.
k Are you irrationally jealous sometimes? While you
have his penis utterly in your control, give a big smile
and tell him he can fantasize about anybody—you can
name her, particularly someone who would be about
ultimate guide to oral sex
190seventy years old now, like Marilyn Monroe—he likes
as you go down on him.
k He relies on your organizational skills but wishes you’d
throw caution to the wind more often. Put on a show.
k Does he think you are too experienced? Blush.
k Does he postpone conversations you really need to
have? My gutsy friend Marty will interrupt giving her
husband oral sex to challenge him on something. It
seems unromantic? She shrugs and says, “His atten-
tion peaks with his dick, and in my marriage there’s
no pillow talk because I love to wear him out in bed!”
k It’s win/win when you give him a blow job while
painting yourself in the best possible light with body
language.
Just remember how unsubtle he is in interpreting your
feelings. There is only one message you don’t want to
give, that you like to “service” him. If, even in fun, he
stands naked with the remote control in one hand and
invites you to go down on him, say or show him, “I’ll
pass.” If he unzips behind the boathouse with a full moon
over the waves breaking on the rocks? Same deal. Don’t
get angry, remember how he’s wired, but say, “Hold the
thought.” The initiative from him has to be shown while
conscious that this act is your gift. Be sophisticated and
create only good memories on that playing field of love.
oral brain sex
19150
Receiving a Gift Y ou love to go down on him, but it’s for his pleasure.
If you are lucky you can convince him that it’s okay
for nine-tenths of the fireworks to be his. He will see you
can relax him, he can relax with you, and that when you
are his sexual angel, every mundane aspect of daily life
floats away. He lies back and everything good is done to
him. It’s an interlude—we won’t ask which road he’d
take to Cleveland, or to change the smoke alarms, or
even appreciate us actively. If he asks about the fairness
or says you’re “too good,” set him straight. You are into
him and you never get enough of his penis.
At a certain point it clicks in your partner’s brain that
it’s time to satisfy you, and most times it is, but sometimes
you make him the total receiver. You give him a sexual
massage and then a slow-burn blow job. It’s dynamite…
Ask him!
